Here it is: LOST

I'm not really going to recap the episode, many others will do that, I'm sure. I'll say that I liked it, loved it, even, and leave it at that. I am actually really surprised at all the negative reactions, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. Instead I'll just do what I normally do and talk about me, me me.

I wouldn't have even watched this show had it not been for my brother. Back in 2005, he told me he had just seen a show that he really thought I'd like, a show that was very much like The Twilight Zone. When he told me it was LOST, I really was doubtful. So many people I knew were watching and professing their love and admiration for it, but no one I felt that was on my wavelength, media-wise. I hated television, especially network programs, I detested chick flicks and had nothing but contempt for mainstream media. But Charlie and I used to watch the old Twilight Zones back when they were on at ten on channel nine; it was one of the rare things I remember about living out at the farm (this was from about 1981 to 1986). And once we moved to town, Charlie, Erica, and I would watch Talky Tina, Marsha the Mannequin, and Gunther Lutze at Dachau with all the passion and fervor most snotty punks reserved for "Saved by the Bell." Part of what I treasure about The Twilight Zone was the connection it holds to my brother and my father (who died when I was 20) and part of it was the writing and storytelling of Rod Serling, Charles Beaumont, and Richard Matheson. Most girls don't read these guys. Yeah, well, most girls haven't seen Dirty Harry, either.

Every season of LOST brought a different spin on themes and elements Rod Serling gave to his show; LOST became almost like a treasure hunt, looking for little nuances here and there, a stage setting (Jack behind the bars in Hydra Island ala Roddy McDowell), a random plot twist (Nicki and Paulo, buried alive with the diamonds), or a literary reference ("Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge" by Ambrose Bierce). Themes of struggle, isolation, betrayal, good and evil. For me, this was one, big, six-year-long Valentine to everything I loved and remembered about my own experiences watching television as a child. There are a million nods to a million other things that I've enjoyed over the years inside this show, and as someone who loves stories and writing, I am impressed. Very impressed.

If you've lost a parent, you might feel the same way I do about the ending; if you've lived your life in the shadow of someone else or struggled to gain someone's approval (and failed), it will probably strike a deeper chord. All I wanted this entire show, was for Christian and Jack to reconcile, and for there to be hope.

I got everything I wanted.

Let's Just Calm Down.

Holy Effin' TUT. Did anyone else see Bauer last night?

I mean, I know he was pissed, but JEEEEEEEEEEEZ. That was the most disturbing episode of 24 or really anything on television that I've ever seen. Now that I think back on this whole final season, I think it's safe to say that pretty much everything that's happened has been disturbing. Granted, we had some comic relief with Hassan's Esai Morales pomp and of course, The Platypus scurrying around with her webbed feet and eggs in the mud, but damn.

1. Renee getting acquaintance-raped by the Russian.
2. Before that, Renee just slicing off that random shop keeper's finger. Or was it his whole hand?

3. Kim Bauer, again on the show.
4. The fact that they named that little girl TERRY. Okay, that's not really disturbing, but it's cheesy and annoying, so a checkmark nonetheless.

5. The execution of Hassan. Not just because we no longer get to see his pomp, but that his death was brutal and disturbing, and we all know their motivation was a Daniel Pearl-type situation, which is horrible and I thought a bit too harsh and violent for network television.

6. Renee's death was unpleasant as well, but for other reasons. Obviously she was Jack's last thread to civilization and her biting it was the straw that was going to break his back. The fact that he was all disheveled and barefoot in the hospital was also unsettling. Jack Bauer just should not be barefoot.

7. Okay, THAT DAMNED ASSASSIN DEATH SUIT THAT HE PUT ON TO GET LOGAN IN? Um, when that shit came on I can only describe my reaction as backing away slowly from the television and from 24 altogether. Really? That was fricking SCARY. Logan, though he kind of deserved everything he got, and his horrified shriek, "IT'S JACK BAUER!!!" Dude. I think in that state of mind Jack could have offed his own daughter and not even broken his stride. Hmm.

8. Are they going to execute Bauer, crimes against humanity? I mean I don't have much time to waste on 24 theories with LOST on immediately the day after, but how exactly are they going to wrap this up? Taylor is going down. Yuri Suvarov is going down. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT AARON PIERCE ON AS SECRET SERVICE. Things never would have gotten this messed up if he had been around.

9. I think there needs to be a spinoff with Aaron Pierce just corralling all the stupidity in the US government, don't you?

Epicenter and Walter White.

There are a couple of reasons to watch Epicenter.
1. The surprisingly graphic sex scene with the Russian chick
2. Jeff Fahey.

Or if you are a writer with poor self esteem or little to no initiative, you could watch this and be immediately reassured that no matter how horrible your accomplishments may seem or how much self confidence you are lacking, anything you write will be better than this, so I suppose that's a positive too.

Also, Breaking Bad, Walter White, "STAY OUT OF MY TURF?"
Un. Fricking. Believable.
I heart Walter White.

Kate?

DENIED.

DENIED.

DENIED.

DENIED.

REDEEMED?

The Original Television Lady

I know I've written about this before, but in my opinion (which is the only one that matters as this is my blog) it's a story worth repeating.

Television Lady isn't just an alias that has to do with me being an obsessive freak about television. There was an actual television lady, a real woman that we met in Kona. I'll tell you about her now.

We'd been watching REQUIEM FOR A DREAM with my brother and Leah for maybe a few nights in a row. Nice, I know. It's not a comedy, but this film is not something that you can really get out of your head, it's THAT disturbing. Anyway, the parts that we got the most out of were Sarah Goldfarb's lines about the red dress and being on television. We'd say it to each other in the grossest old lady voice we could muster, "I'M SARAH GOLDFARB! I'M GONNA BE ON TELEVISION!" I guess we did this kind of a lot while we were down there. This was in January of 2004; I was six months pregnant with Bubby and recovering from an awful experience that required an ER visit at 1 in the morning the first night we were there. (I won't go any further with it; there's nothin' good about it.)

So we pull up into the farmer's market one afternoon in search of avocados for guacamole. We had a silver mustang convertible; Matt probably had Jay Z or Dre blasting when we did this. Matt and Leah were in the front seat, I was in the back. So as we pulled into the driveway of the parking lot, some old chick was strolling along with her headphones on, listening to what, I have no idea, maybe John Tesch or Mac Hammond on "The Winner's Way," but whatever it was, she was quite absorbed in it, so much so that she didn't see us pulling into the driveway. She damned near walked right into us, but Matt was partially at fault for not yielding to her, I suppose. She suddenly saw us, jumped, and I think even squawked a little. We drove into the parking lot and whipped around to park. As we were getting ready to get out, I saw the old lady, STOMPING into the farmer's market, obviously upset, and obviously looking for us, the ones that almost ran her over. I knew she was going to freak out about it, I KNEW IT! I informed Matt that she was obviously not going to let it lie, she was pissed off, and that we needed to leave and come back later.

Matt, completely oblivious, I mean, I don't even know that he even realized that anything out of the ordinary had happened (codger nearly gets run down by a car, what?), refuses to listen to me. I was very strenuously advising him to drive away. Soon the old bat had spotted us, and made a bee-line for our car. Leah wasn't saying much during this whole thing, I think she had learned by then to just sit back and snicker at our ridiculousness. Then it was too late to do anything. Matt just got out of the car, acted as if nothing had happened, and basically walked right by her. I was in the back seat of the car, cringing and waiting for what would follow.

"YOU ALMOST HIT ME!" she shouted, loudly.
"Oh? Sorry about that!" Matt said, and hardly even broke his stride.

After that I covered my ears and hid behind the seat. I hate confrontation, I hate it. And Matt goddamned well knew it, too! I was so uncomfortable, I about tensed myself into labor. Leah of course was laughing. HARD. When I uncovered my ears I heard Matt say something like, "Ma'am, I told you I was sorry, now I'm done talking to you about it!" He came back with a bag full of avocados and of course, acted as if nothing had happened. And as if the whole verbal exchange wasn't enough, there was the issue of us having two (unclaimed) extra people in our condo. Somehow I just knew that this old broad was staying at the Casa, it was almost like a given, and after something like this, it would only be fitting that she should see us hanging around and then bust us and get us kicked out, or something equally horrid. Matt and Leah completely dismissed all of my paranoia and pretty much giggled about it the entire way home. When I was finally able to unclench my hands from the seat in front of me, I asked Leah if she had heard the whole conversation, which she had.

"Was she American? I mean, she kind of sounded like she had an accent or something, maybe Italian? Did you hear it?"

"Oh, I feel it was just full on TELEVISION," Leah said.
"What, like Sarah Goldfarb?"
"Totally."

"I'M GONNA BE ON TELEVISON! AND YOU ALMOST HIT ME!!" Matt chimed in.

So for the rest of the vacation, which was a good four days or so, I had to always be on the lookout for Television Lady. Funny thing, she WAS staying there, and she obviously DID hold a grudge, for one evening when some local riff-raff came up and were hanging out by the lava rocks, she and her husband were patrolling the grounds with a cordless phone at the ready, I suppose to report them. When her husband saw us he said something like, "YOU KNOW THIS IS A PRIVATE ESTABLISHMENT," to Leah, who said (in her best "you wanna fuck with me?" voice) "YEAH, I KNOW. WE'RE STAYING HERE," without breaking her stride.

I find this all extremely funny now, but at the time I was actually scared of what she would do to us. So when it came time to name my blog, I thought it only fitting that I should take on a piece of her identity, together with the original original, that is.

John Locke hearts Dharma Coffee Sleeves.

Why "The Candidate" was well-written.

There once was a young man that I sort of was acquainted with who prided himself on knowing EVERYTHING. I'm kind of a know-it-all sometimes, so me saying this means basically that this dude was insufferable. He would argue really minute points, lecture people, make smart ass comments on peoples' semantics and grammar mistakes, etc. I hadn't thought about him in a very long time, but last night, as I was combing the LOST boards and forums, there were several people (stuff-shirts?) who were ANGRY about last night's episode. As in, they thought it was bad, or horrible, even, saying:

it was too predictable.
there wasn't anything personal/all action
only the Asian characters died
it moved too fast
it moved too slow
it was boring
it wasn't believable
it pales in comparison to the time travel events
etc.

COME. ON. Just come right the hell on.

This isn't an opinion matter, either. This is basic fact, the episode was well done. Anyone wants a piece of me, I'll argue it to the death. If I have to break it down scene by scene, event by event and EXPLAIN why it was good, how each of the elements that went into making it contribute to it BEING good, then so be it. Following is a hit list, ARE YOU EFFS READY TO GET YOUR GEEK ON? This may be the biggest media rant that ever was.


1. "if you give me a shot, Mr. Locke, I think that I can fix you." Jack wants to fix the physically (and later we find out mentally) broken John Locke. Earlier in the season Jack told Hurley that he went back to the island because he was broken and that he was stupid enough to believe that "this place" (the island) could fix him. Perhaps the island DOES fix Jack, so perhaps Jack WILL fix John.

2. John Locke is genuinely happy with Helen, and Jack notices this. Even if Locke doesn't ever walk again, he is obviously in love. This is important lesson to be learned in life. Also, every time Helen comes on I have to just celebrate the fact that FRICKING PEGGY BUNDY is on LOST!!

3. The music while Jack is on the beach: Acoustic guitar reminiscent of a western leading into The Hydra cages: very Hitchcock, very Twilight Zone suspense. REVEL IN IT; it's always been good like this.

4. "Because I'm the one with the gun." "NOT ANYMORE, DOUGH BOY." Sawyer snatches the gun and wratches it. Widmore explaining who's on the list is very much something else I've seen, maybe a horror, maybe The Twilight Zone. It's escaping me now, but I've heard that chilling British voice explaining something unpleasant before. "FORD is on it, as is REYES and The KWONS." Where the hell is that from?

5. Bernard seems to know things, almost seems to be waiting for Jack to show up! He remembers things, smiles as if to encourage Jack to draw conclusions and make connections. "Maybe you're onto something here." So obviously this is a hint that Bernard and Rose are still a part of all this, has Desmond visited them, do they remember for some other reason? Where's Rose? Is her cancer gone? The only information Bernard gives to Jack is ANTHONY COOPER's name. Obviously Jack needed to meet him, see what has happened, understand why John doesn't want the surgery, and then go from there.

6. Back in the cages Sawyer tells Kate her name was crossed out. WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT? She is obviously still alive; Locke was crossed out presumably when he died, but what is the reason for Kate not being a candidate? (knocked up?) This is a big one. Why is she even there?

7. John won't get the surgery just like Jack wouldn't listen to him about not leaving the island and then having to come back. The Daddy issues return.

8. John Locke (the smoke monster) walks through bullets. What a bad ass. I like the Marcellus Wallace briefcase-quality the bomb on the plane was given, this mysterious item that is obviously important. Also, he took the watch BEFORE he found it, obviously he knew it was there. Did he reevaluate the plane as a death device or was this his plan all along? He explains about "a nice, confined space we have no chance of getting out of" and then puts the C4 in a backpack, just like the real John Locke put the other C4 in his backpack when they left the Flame Station.

9. "I don't trust that thing one bit." That THING! Do you suppose by the end of all this Sawyer will have a new nickname for the Smoke Monster?

10. These items: Apollo bar. Music box playing "Catch a Falling Star," Jack and Claire in the mirror. Obviously we've seen Apollo bars before. The song was always about Aaron. The box, left to Claire by Christian is maybe supposed to ensure that brother and sister are together, a part of each others' lives? Aaron really needs someone to read "Alice in Wonderland" to him. This prompts Jack to invite Claire to stay with him, confirming maybe, that they will continue to have a relationship? Jack neglected his first wife, Sarah, in favor of fixing people at work. Christian may have fallen into the trap of neglecting people too? Maybe this is all to teach Jack to be able to see the forest for the trees? Good lesson for all of us.

11. "You think you two can get our backs?" "ABSOLUTELY." Juliet said this to Sawyer not once but two times when he asked her the same thing. Jack shows loyalty to John Locke by telling Smokey Locke "JOHN LOCKE TOLD ME TO STAY." Jack showing loyalty to Locke is awesome, ADMIT IT.

12. At the sub, the gunfire does not start until Locke has been pushed into the water and there is a completely clear shot at Kate. WHO SET THAT UP? Widmore, Locke, WHO? More about this. What is her role in all of this? Again, why is she even there? There are a lot of open, loose ends with her, grounds for tons more discussion, which face it, LOST fans obsess over, so good, right?

13. "Nothin' personal," Lapidus to the guard on the sub. Sawyer and always "HOSS" to people! (a southern, colloquial term for 'partner') Bag switcheroo. It was a tense moment, Jack was obviously preoccupied with the mission at hand, I don't buy TOO PREDICTABLE. After all, most of these events are really just recast replays of things that have already happened on the show, so even if it was an easy out for the plot, it gels with everything else that has gone on until this point. Jack switched Kate's bag when they carried the dynamite back from The Black Rock, so in a way, he had it coming. (All the little things you do will end up coming back to you. . .)The way they have switched events, characters, and even LINES in this show is brilliant, and it's obviously taken a lot of work and geekery. GIVE PROPS.

14. The realization that Jack has is HUGE. Three years ago he never would have entertained the idea that The Devil even existed. Now he's explaining principals of faith to everyone else, with CONFIDENCE, even! I love Jack. "I think he can't leave the island unless we're all dead. What if he can't kill us because--he's not allowed to? HE CAN'T KILL US!"

15. Sayid's sacrifice? People can come back from the dark side, ANAKIN SKYWALKER!!! He gets his redemption. This was alluded to in a tasteful way and then carried out in a tasteful way. Say what you want about a cliche suicide bomber ending, this fit Sayid's character just as Michael's end fit him.

16. I will accept that maybe Lapidus survived. I won't get militant about it, but it's definitely a possibility. (please God, let it be ding-dongs.) If I get substantial proof next week you can be sure I'll have a black dress on and be playing the funeral march on the piano, but I'm holding off for the time being. Lapidus as a character was very well done and always good for laughs. If he's really gone, I'm very much going to miss him.

17. The flooded sub is like the flooded Looking Glass station and the countdown to death in the Swan station, blinking lights, struggle, etc. Jin and Jack KNOW that Jin and Sun are not going to make it. Jack tries to give Jin the oxygen and Jin won't take it. If you haven't cried by now, YOU NEVER WILL. These characters, people we have spent SIX YEARS with, are almost as real as anyone else can be, it was extremely difficult seeing this. Say what you want about Titanic, it was sad. Piano instrumentals and still shots of the flooded sub ending with the breaking apart of the hands? I would say it was the most emotional moment on the show to date, up there with Juliet biting it and Sawyer telling Jack about Christian wanting to call him on the pay phone.

18. Orderly wheels John down the hall just like Matthew Abaddon did after the push out the window. Abaddon then gives John a suggestion that influences him to go on his walkabout. Does this have any bearing on the discussion Jack has with him? John has guilt over his father's injuries just as Jack has guilt over his own father's death and later, Juliet's.

19. "What makes you think letting go is so easy?" "It's not, in fact, I don't really know how to do it myself."
"Why is it so easy for you to believe?" "It's never been easy." (season 2, outside the hatch).

20. Hugo sobbing on the beach? Again, if this didn't move you, chances are you could pour a quart of boiling water down your throat and piss ice cubes.

I WISH YOU BELIEVED ME. This was amazing. Acknowledge it.

Peace Out, Platypus.

So Dana Walsh's number was finally up; no silent clock, either. I had to quit watching about ten minutes from the end last night because I was just too tired to go on and had spent, like, hours trying to create a facebook page for my (television lady) self without having to create a whole separate profile, so I just now watched the last ten minutes where Jack puts two in at close range and walks away as if going out for the evening papers.

Platypus really was just a soldier, she probably just needed more money for a better dugout somewhere, and maybe some pedicures for her webbed feet. I will miss her, now that she's gone; she really brought an element of comedy that the show really hasn't had since the Ritchie torture-helmet.

Pity.

Eloise hearts Dharma Coffee Sleeves.

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