Television Lady

The Princess Bride

2012-01-28T21:51:00.000-06:00

I distinctly remember my best friend's mother championing this film, more than once. She suggested we watch it one day we were over there (probably being annoying, probably wanting nothing other than to make a mess in the kitchen and then watch Clue for twelve hours straight), so we did. And loved it. Down the road some years, during a heated discussion between our mothers and us over the unsightly makeup I'd chosen to wear lately, Lorene asked us if we thought "that actress from The Princess Bride" would ever consider wearing teal or blue mascara . . . and this is turning into another story entirely, but you get the picture.

The Princess Bride, 1987. Directed by Rob Reiner.
Starring: Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon.

"A classic fairy tale, with swordplay, giants, an evil prince, a beautiful princess, and yes, some kissing (as read by a kindly grandfather)." (IMDB)

This film never gets old, never. I love Fred Savage in it, love the way his room is decorated, and always loved that he got to eat lunch in bed while he listened to the story. Also, the action is great, the characters are endearing, and I love the way everything looks, especially Buttercup's princess-y dresses. There are obviously some nice effects (fire swamp), good action scenes (sword fight, torture) and the dialogues are witty and timeless: "You seem a decent fellow; I hate to kill you!"/"You seem a decent fellow; I hate to die!" or "Sleep well, and dream of large women." Or "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world, it'd be a pity for you to damage yours . . . "

It's fun. And for the record, my very favorite scene (s) are all about the drunken swordsman, Inigo Montoya. Here's a link to the sword fight, since embedding was disabled by request.

http://youtu.be/k7zvffHu_wo

The Crow

2012-01-25T14:08:00.001-06:00

Am I going to lose all credibility by admitting this was my first viewing of this film? I didn't shun it or anything, I guess I just never checked it out (which is a pity). And this really won't be an official review so much as my general reaction to the film---I almost want to watch it again before I even try to summarize and pontificate as right now I don't even feel the least bit qualified because I'm still reeling from it all.

Yes.

The Crow, 1994. Directed by Alex Proyas.
Starring: Brandon Lee, Michael Wincott.

"A man brutally murdered comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée's murder." (IMDB).

This was a rare sort of film experience in that instead of forming the shit I think/want to say about it while watching, like I normally do, I was 100% in the moment. I had no idea what was going to happen or when, nor did I have the narrative figured out (I seldom do this anyway) so I really just was doing this zen film-spectating that really only happens to me in the theater. The only moments I did really stop to think anything were during:

1. Crow shots (either close ups of the bird, avian-cam as it flew around, or perched on Lee's shoulder).
2. Shots of Lee walking menacingly through a threshold, also, bonus thoughts when there were
3. Heavy-reverb guitar accompaniments during Lee's presence on camera.
4. Lee's little metal guitar jam session that ends in his destroying everything. Had to be the coolest thing I've seen all week.

---and the thoughts of course were, "Jesus Christ this is awesome," and "Why the hell am I just now seeing this?" Another film I need to own. Oh, and this line?

GOD IS THE WORD FOR MOTHER ON THE LIPS AND HEARTS OF ALL CHILDREN.

(you said it, man). The clip below was my favorite fan-vid, although there were quite a few decent ones.

Rosemary's Baby

2012-01-24T14:37:00.002-06:00

This is hands-down one of my very favorite films ever made, and unlike some of the others, has real credibility, too. Roman Polanski definitely gets the job done, as does Ruth Gordon (as Minnie Castavet) who won the Oscar for best supporting actress in 1969. This isn't just a horror film, but an all-around brilliant piece of work. If you haven't seen the film and eventually plan to, this will be full of spoilers, just FYI.

Rosemary's Baby, 1968. Directed by Roman Polanski.
Starring: Mia Farrow, John Cassavettes, and Ruth Gordon.

"A young couple move into a new apartment, only to be surrounded by peculiar neighbors and occurrences. When the wife becomes mysteriously pregnant, paranoia over the safety of her unborn child begins controlling her life." (IMDB).

Clearly the Satanists get all the press in this story, and don't get me wrong---you'll never see the elderly in a more unfavorable light, chanting, scurrying about, cheering "HAIL SATAN!", etc.---but the real enemy in this story has nothing to do with them. . . . it's Guy Woodhouse, y'all, the husband, the actor, the basic slime of humanity. In this film, he:

I dreamed someone was raping me. . .

1. Lies, constantly. "Are you a doctor?" "YES." Rosemary breaks in---"He's an actor." Later, after Rosemary's pregnancy is announced, he lies to her original obstetrician about moving to California. "You know me, I'll tell him something." Say nothing of the royal lie he feeds to Rosemary herself about what really went down during "baby night." Which is worse, admitting (as a husband) you've just rented out your wife's business to Satan for the evening (while an apartment full of creepy old people watched and chanted, *naked,*) or covering it up with a story about how you basically raped her while she was unconscious ("it was kinda fun, in a necrophile sort of way,")---she's just supposed to be all right with that? Nice moral fiber there, Guy.

2. Slaps ass, a lot, and not in a cute or, ugh, sexual way, either because it just makes him come off as an even bigger dick each time he does it. After the night in question, Rosemary, raped and scratched, struggles to awaken and suggests that Guy get his own breakfast . . . "LIKE HELL, I WILL!" he snaps back, smacking her hard on the ass. Insult to injury, much? What a fucker.

3. Agrees to allow his wife to become impregnated by Satan to further his acting career, and then basically resents her for it, refusing to really look at her after the pregnancy is confirmed, belittling her decisions (haircut, relationships with friends, suspicion that the old creeps are after her baby, etc.), ultimately treating her like a child or a crazy person. After the baby is born and taken from her (her doctor lies and tells her it died), Guy expects Rosemary to simply shrug it off as he's done, and focus on the many acting roles that have suddenly popped up . . . in perhaps the most dismissive moment in the entire film, he tells her, "You can have more, Ro, as soon as you're better," and later, after it's revealed that she was correct all along about the Satanists, "They promised you wouldn't be hurt, and you haven't been. It would have been the same if you had the baby and lost it." Then he adds something about how much they're getting in return; Rosemary responds by spitting in his face.

Two of the most meaningful scenes (that deal directly with Guy's not only malleability but shady character) are the dinner scene with Minnie and Roman where the deal is made, as it were, and the collection of scenes where Rosemary decides to have the party against everyone's advice.

Um. Yikes!

The dinner scene, which seems at first nothing but utter comedy at the codgers' expense is really quite important. Minnie and Roman are presented almost ridiculously----he bumbling around, "I seem to have over-filled the glasses!" spilling vodka blushes on the carpet and jovially going on about his world-wide travels, and she just a witchy, yammering nag (with table manners just slightly better than a two-year-old----check out her cake-eating bit, if you don't believe me) but they're totally playing. As soon as dinner gets going, Roman tests the religious waters by criticizing the pope; Guy agrees, Rosemary hesitates. Next, he flatters Guy's acting work ("I remember being struck by a gesture you did and checking in the program to see who you were . . . ") and sees that Guy immediately takes the bait. After dinner is finished, Minnie gets the goods on Rosemary's fertility background while Roman presumably lays out the plan to Guy in the next room. Apparently he needed next to no time to think over their proposal, as he assures Minnie that Roman's stories are "very interesting," (to which Roman slyly responds to Minnie, "You see?") and agrees to come back and hear more the next evening, inevitably planning what would soon become "baby night," and perhaps perusing chocolate mouse recipes.

When Rosemary decides to throw a party for the couple's younger friends, she stands up to Guy and Minnie as she never had before, which is crucial in showing that despite their manipulation of her, they still have to let her have her way since she's obviously the most important player in their little game. After Rosemary's friends advise her to change doctors, Guy criticizes them and begins a tirade but is interrupted by Rosemary's sudden excitement over first, a stop to her ongoing pain, and second the movement of the baby. Guy hesitantly allows her to place his hand on her abdomen but then yanks it away in awkward discomfort, choosing to sweep the floor while Rosemary smiles and laughs giddily in a chair. When she eventually meets her son (inside a black-draped bassinet above which a silver, inverted crucifix dangles) she again stands up to an entire room of Satanists, first to Roman, "Shut up, you're in Dubrovnik, I don't hear you," and later Laura Louise, "You're rocking him too fast."

While we never get a look at baby Adrian for ourselves, we are left in the film's final scene with the image of Rosemary rocking him, gazing lovingly, with Guy somewhere among the crowd, unimportant.

With any luck, the Satanists pitched him over the fire escape Terry-Gionaffrio style . . . .

Heat

2012-01-19T14:36:00.002-06:00

Heat, 1995. Directed by Michael Mann.
starring: Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Al Pacino.

"The lives of two men on opposite sides of the law - one a detective; the other a thief." (IMDB).

Now before I really get going on this one (and I'm gonna go, believe me), yes, it's a pretty long ass film. 170 minutes, to be exact. But call me crazy, I loved every one of those minutes and was almost bummed when it was all over.

Forget for a moment that this was back when DeNiro was in his forties (and smokin' hot). Or that Danny Trejo is not only on the crew, but drives an EL CAMINO. There are so many brilliant things in this film that it's hard to even itemize them, but still, I'll try.

Cast: Unbelievable, both lead and supporting players. Jon Voight, Hank Azaria, and (a probably coked-out) Tom Sizemore were my faves; they were just fun to watch together. Bonus for Voight's long, ratty hair, and Ted Levine (JAME GUM) working probably the greatest mustache ever seen in film.

Mise En Scene: Some nice bits of production---the each-different hockey masks from the armored truck takedown and the subsequent fluttering down of car dealership sparkly blue streamer just after the truck crashes. The boat of a station wagon DeNiro drives through that open lot where he's supposed to make the pickup but gets double-crossed (and the way that damned thing bounces like ten feet in the air over all the bumps in the road). And that shoot-out in the middle of LA is pretty impressive; lots of bullets flying, lots of breaking glass, and sorry, but something about DeNiro in a suit, firing off rounds seriously excites me.

Lines: Al Pacino is a pretty outlandish kind of actor, but he's effective, and his lines are funny. Sing-songing "there'll probably be a note on the door," "You can get killed walkin' your doggie!" and "DON'T WASTE MY MOTHER-FUCKIN' TIME!" . . . not to mention the whole "great ass," exchange with Azaria. Over the top, clearly, but hilarious.

Isn't it funny and frustrating how *nothing* they do goes according to plan? Armored truck---jerkoff guy starts shooting the guards (necessitating an already-lined trunk for his later disposal). Station wagon drop-off, all a ploy. Drilling into the metal place, whoops, cop makes a thump, they walk away. Bank, obviously not a smooth operation. My favorite scene in the entire film is Charlene's (Ashley Judd) tiny motion to Chris (Val Kilmer) to let him know that the cops are waiting for him when he sees her out on the balcony, but the two major scenes between DeNiro and Pacino---first their respective deadpans into the camera after the thump gives them away during the metal heist, realizing suddenly that they've just both been made, and second, their little standoff conversation in the diner----these scenes are pretty damned cool, too. And for anyone who really enjoys this film, I highly recommend it with the subtitles on; I feel like I learned everything I thought I was missing before.

Atari Art (Cross Stitch)

2012-01-17T18:49:00.001-06:00

1. Space Invaders. 14 ct fabric, black, 2011. This is my most recent, made for my youngest son, and is probably my favorite one in the collection. By this time I'd learned to work on black fabric instead of filling in the black with floss (as with Miss Pac Man) and larger count fabric, too. My eyes can't handle the small ones anymore! I thought initially that compared to all the others the tones of only green and orange might seem dull, but I was wrong, it's plenty colorful! I played this game frequently with my brother, and always used to get performance anxiety when that last one standing used to go all super-fast-spazzy, whipping back and forth across the screen . . .

For this one I just printed out a screen shot and then drew out the invaders, the shooters, and the numbers for the score. It's a little hard to see in the photo over there, but I messed up on one of the invaders and added like two extra rows to its body, making it look extremely fat compared to the others; can you spot it?

SPLAT!

2. Frogger. 14 ct fabric, white, 2010. My very favorite Atari game growing up. We didn't get it until I was in about sixth grade, but I was fortunate enough to have cousins who not only had it for their Atari(s) but were extremely good at playing it; I owe all my abilities to Jill, Heidi, Amy, and Paul---thanks guys! This one was done with them in mind for my youngest daughter and was probably the most fun to make. I tried to find a screen grab that had a challenging traffic scene but didn't want to over-do it on the top level. If I ever get the motivation to do another one I'd probably include the log-snake.

If I could do it all over again, I'd probably do it against a black background (as with Space Invaders), the white just seems to wash it out too much. Maybe cut a few of the cars from the bottom section out, too, but I really do like the way the bright colors resonate down below.

3. Miss Pac Man, 22 count fabric, 2009.

This one was for my oldest daughter (here it hangs in her room next to Princess Leia); she's a girly girl, a princess girl, and Miss Pac Man was the closest thing I could find to the stuff she likes. This is the one that cost me my eyesight, y'all. 22 count fabric was NOT a good idea; nor was doing it on white and then filling in what ended up being solid black after everything else was in place. I started in the middle, with the ghosts (which I drew out first), and then went with the white pellets since you really have to do white before black (or any other dark color) if you don't want the white to get bled into. . . so white pellets against a white background with a tiny count fabric again, was not smart of me. I think I was working on this for over a year. Turned out nicely, but damn. My eyes hurt when I look at it.

4. Pitfall, 28 count fabric, 2008.

My first piece, for my first child and oldest son. I think he may have been going through an Indiana Jones phase at the time. This, too, was way too small a count of fabric and probably ruined my eyes just as much as Miss Pac Man, but it's tight. I did it with two strands of floss, so the x's don't even look like x's but solid color, which is cool. My cousins played this one, also, and getting to the gold and silver bars will always remind me of my cousin, Paul. When I played it, I always had to have him get past the jump-on-the-alligator-heads part for me; I was awful at that. I was thinking of doing another project with the Pitfall elements sometime in the future, like maybe a bell-pull or something with the snake, the fire, the scorpion, and the treasures.

LOST ART (cross stitch)

2012-01-17T14:15:00.009-06:00

So these are for the Losties, or anyone else who likes cross stitch. Enjoy knowing intimate details of how I spend my time (when I'm not actually watching the show or other films). I'll now be accepting my nomination into genuine Nerd-dom.

We have to go back!

1. LOST Island Map, 2009. 22 count. I spent the summer with this one. I love maps and flags, so it was only natural that I throw together a little sampler of my favorite island, right? I debated for a while about including the black and red hieroglyphics, and almost didn't do it, but I think the finished piece would really have been lacking without them as a border and I'm glad I went for it.

I have no idea if the Dharma Stations are in the correct places, I patterned this after a map I found on DarkUFO.

2. Countdown to Death Hieroglyphics, 2010. Felt/embroidery.

I always felt that these were so ominous, only appearing briefly during the show's second season, but still---what they indicated turned out to be pretty major, right? For a while I used to refer to all chaos breaking loose inside my house as, "John Locke forgot to push the button." A great, great story line, wasn't it?

3. Moving On, 2011. 22 count.

There were hardly any decent (full) still images of the stained glass online anywhere, so I had to wait until I was able to get my own LOST box set to really plot this one out. It took a lot more work than anything else I've done---I changed the shape of the outline a bit, it's slightly more boxy than the real stained glass, and there was a pretty major oops on this one (bottom right yin/yang icon) that I took up after um, well, drinking a little bit one evening; you can probably see that it's slanted in a very non-circular way compared to the others, but hey. All part of the experience, I guess.

When I initially framed it, it was just the image on off-white fabric in the frame with the white mat, and something about it just didn't look right---too washed out or sterile or something, so I took it out a few weeks ago, cut the cross stitched image out and then stitched it onto the tan corduroy that it's in now and it looks much better. Does this do enough to cement and confirm that I absolutely loved the show's finale? I hope so.

4. Nine Dharmas, 2012. 18 count.

I originally wanted this to be a sort of tribute to not only the Dharma Initiative but also the blast door inside the Swan Station (that only John Locke sees during the lockdown) but once I got all of them finished, I just really liked the way they looked in a block arrangement so I kept them that way. I'll do a blast door, proper, in the future, don't worry.

When people see the stuff I do, the LOST pieces in particular, I usually get two comments or questions. The first is, "Oh Man! That's so dope that you do all this shit, but I still really hated the ending of that show!" Since I'm non-confrontational by nature, I'll just smile and nod, but just for the record, I did not hate the ending, thought it was brilliant, thought the entire show was brilliant, obsess over it at least once or twice daily (and usually tear up if I think about it too long). Yeah, I'm a crazy-ass fan.

The second bit of feedback, if you can call it that, is to ask me, "WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO DO ALL THIS?" Valid question, I have kids, I have a part time job out of the house, and I write, so time is always difficult to come by. My younger kids nap at the same time every day, and if I'm caught up on all my writing, I'll cross stitch. On the nights I don't work at my coffee job, I'll catch up on my writing, read whatever I'm reading in the bath for a half hour, turn something on to watch, and cross stitch. It's not just leisure or art, but almost therapeutic for me to do this, and if I go too long without it, I honestly start to get snappy. Most of my stuff was conceived/begun during subzero Minnesota winters, and I'll probably continue to do them until either my hands swell up or my eyesight fails, or both because it's something I just need to do.

There were some near-disasters with this last one, I won't lie; three of the last Dharmas were stitched onto their felt backings with a sick child sprawled across my lap, and the Looking Glass (rabbit) had an unfortunate collision with someone's pink marker but was cropped closely enough for it not to matter . . . but it's all good. I like making things; my kids see me making things and then go make their own things, too. They're not drawing Dharma logos or anything yet, but you know, I'll be extremely supportive should they start.

Should you be interested in getting a closer look of all this business, I'm displaying it at Starbucks, 54th and Lyndale in Minneapolis next Sunday for two weeks.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

2012-01-16T14:14:00.000-06:00

Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981. Directed by Steven Spielberg

I guess I happen to think they all deserve a place on this list, well, the first three, anyway---and for the record, Temple of Doom is my favorite---but I'll take this one any day. They're just brilliant and fun. And now that I have kids, this is even more fun because they like them all too, and in addition to the films, a parent can totally get his/her geek on by reading the chapter books or playing the Lego Indiana Jones wii game (which has Indy groaning anytime snakes pop up on the screen). Awesome.

Obviously this is a well made, well-written film, but my two very favorite things about this are Harrison Ford and the music. Props for Marion Ravenwood not being a marginalized female, too. But honestly, tell me there's not a better hero in the world . . . being intelligent and a professor win the nerd vote; being hot, ripped, and commanding (hello, whip?) win everyone else. Some of my favorite moments of production are the reaction shots----running away from the native tribe in the opening and later being overwhelmed by the multiple baskets as he frantically searches for Marion---the camera comes right up to him (or he to it) and he just sort of recoils with disbelief . . . it's cool. And he does it again near the end of Temple of Doom upon realizing the entire sword-wielding tribe of Kali is after him and then it happens to River Phoenix in Last Crusade ("everyone is lost but me!")!!

As for the score, composer John Williams has done a lot of brilliant stuff in his career, but I think this one is one of his best. The main theme is obviously what people remember, but there are secondary themes that get repeated that are pretty sweet, too; I'm thinking of that trumpet/chord-heavy accompaniment that usually plays when he's fighting someone, Nazi affiliated or not. He sort of changed up the melody for Temple of Doom and had it a lot more Indian and glockenspiel-y but it was still awesome. And who could forget the music during the Nazi book-burning rally in Last Crusade? Damn, what a winner!

And how about the story and its characters?
The tricky effort to acquire the idol/unfortunate end of Sapito.
Pet snake Reggie: "I hate snakes, Jacques! I hate 'em!"
Introduction of Marion, her more than adequate liquor tolerance.
Sallah; "they're digging in the wrong place!"; date-poisoned monkey.
The adventure of the medallion/the asp-filled cavern.
Fighting Nazis/"Don't look at it, Marion!"

Among all the action scenes, which are killer (my favorite is right up there--- the nonchalant/almost annoyed shooting of the sword twirler in the middle of the marketplace) I really think that the film succeeds just as much by the chemistry of its actors. Some action films you just sort of allow for some clunkiness and focus on the doing rather than the being, but not this one. I *believed* all of them. Maybe it's that the script was exceptionally good, maybe the actors just knew how to get it done, or maybe Spielberg just knew how to guide all of it, but seriously.

Bravo to each and every---I will never tire of this series.

ROADHOUSE!

2012-01-15T13:31:00.001-06:00

How is it that I've not seen this until now?
ROADHOUSE, 1989. Directed by Rowdy Herrington.

"A tough bouncer is hired to tame a dirty bar." (IMDB)

I don't know if I spent more time laughing (not with them, but at them) or cringing, but despite being cheesy as hell, this film is pretty good. As in, if you grew up in the eighties, you'll be entertained, probably a lot. Which is also to say that if I had seen this back in the day, it would have clearly been one of my legitimate favorites (no irony or sarcasm involved). But you can't not get lost in the nostalgia; for instance:

Clothing/Hair. You will see mullets. You will see satin/chiffon puffy evening gowns worn *in a bar.* You will see a peroxided young lady perform a strip tease that leaves her wearing nothing on top and a pair of white, lace, waistband-over-the-navel panties, which is meant to be sexy . . . (yeah, it was the eighties, but come on). This is the only film in existence where you will see a medical doctor (Kelly Lynch, also peroxided) sporting a gingham mini-dress, winged hair, and power bangs. And how about those pleated white pants (on the men)? It's fun.

Outlandish Factor. Do fights really break out in bars this often? Maybe, but try having a squad of buffoons pommel around IN A MONSTER TRUCK (submitted most likely for the sole purpose of using it to bulldoze through a car dealership in the film's second half) and having nearly every conflict end in a fiery explosion. Pool stick antics to evoke a fight. Knifings. Giant, stuffed wildlife animals in bad guy's living room. Dialogue snippet---"Prepare to die." Dalton's (Patrick Swayze) response? "YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS HOLE." Seriously, who wrote this? I kind of love them.

Casting: Patrick Swayze teams up with Kevin Tighe (Anthony Cooper from LOST, or the Chop-Poker guy from Tales From The Crypt), Ben Gazzara (Jackie Treehorn from Lebowski), and probably the best smooth-talking biker of all time SAM ELLIOT (Gar from Mask!) . . . there was no way this film could lose with this lot. Tighe is hard to accept as a good guy if you've seen him in virtually anything else he's done, and he did that surprised, egging-it-all-on kind of leery look acting that he always does, but he was pretty spot on---the others were all perfect. Elliot's ratty gray hair was a nice touch, although I do kind of wish they'd given him a bigger mustache.

I need to own this.

The Big Lebowski

2012-01-13T12:49:00.002-06:00

The Big Lebowski, 1998. Directed by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen. Starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, and Julianne Moore.

Like all Coen Brothers films, this one gets better with each viewing. I could go on about the genius of The Dude . . . his lines, his outfits, his reactions (my favorite being stoned in the bathtub and admonishing the Nihilists destroying his answering machine with a baseball bat, "Hey, man, this is like, a private residence . . . !") But what makes this film, in my opinion, AMAZINGLY genius is that special talent of the Coens', the seemingly incongruous character that actually turns out to be comic gold. Leonard Smalls kind of began this way in Raising Arizona; Mike Yanagita in Fargo definitely hit the jackpot . . . and most haters of the Coens will sit and complain about the randomness of such characters, interruptions, etc., but these kinds of things absolutely make the film (s) for me every time, and Lebowski is full of them:

The Jesus: Since there are unfortunately no embed-able clips available, I can't show you my favorite scene from the film, which is the Jesus Quintana sequence, first the action shot of his bowling (preceded by separate shots of his socks, coke-pinky nail, hairnet, and embroidered shirt), the slow motion pan reaction shots of The Dude, Donny, and Walter, and the subsequent "discussion" of his perverted-ness, all with the Hotel California (in Spanish) playing jubilantly as background accompaniment . . . honestly, I don't think film gets much better than that. The timing, the sound, the wide shots, and the colors all seriously thrill me to no end. In a later scene, he violently fumes over Walter's rearrangement of the schedule ("What is this bullshit? This Day-of-Rest-shit?") and while less stylized than the previous, this is also brilliant, and filled with creepy (aptly perverted) sexual innuendo and pelvic thrustings.

The Jesus also sort of speaks to the general environment of the bowling alley and its eccentricities. His purple-shirted partner, Liam O'Brien, seems an odd pairing socially, but in this film, in this bowling alley, it all ends up making perfect sense. The opening sequences of bowling pins, shoes, different bowlers, and the plastic chairs are nostalgic and familiar, and later the exterior lights of the alley become important as both sad and sort of funny punctuation after Donny's heart attack. People love bowling; to have this film take place in a bowling alley (no matter how random and strangely populated) was definitely a winning move.

Marty: The jogging landlord doesn't seem like much at first, but that subtle mention of his dance quintet comes back in a big way (complete with a huge, dramatic score, and costuming). What's more awesome about this situation, that Marty invites the Dude to come and give him notes or that in the middle of all that's been happening (money handoff thwarted, the arrival of the severed toe, loss of the briefcase, etc.) that HE STILL SHOWS UP, with Donny (and later Walter) also in attendance (!?!). What a friend The Dude is! There are obviously several other venues they could have used for the discussion of the fate of Larry Sellers (among disagreements over the finer points of The In-and-Out Burger), but what better one than Marty's Cycle? Come on!

Larry Sellers: No lines are uttered from his lips, he just sort of plops on the couch and sneers for the duration of the scene, but I think the comedy and power of his character comes from the allusions to him (rumpled social studies paper crammed into seat, camaro on street outside his house, "real fucking brat," as revealed to Maude, etc.) and his surroundings, mainly that ridiculous IRON LUNG that holds his father (Arthur Digby Sellers) making him present but helpless during the entire interrogation that happens mere feet away from him in his own home. What should be an uncomfortable scene just becomes outlandishly funny as Walter first professes his admiration for Arthur's work before going to work on the stone faced Larry---the homework in baggie (presented as evidence) is also hilarious, as is Larry's refusal to react at all ("have you ever heard of Viet Nam, Larry?"). The second best musical interlude comes just after the destruction of The Dude's car; Oye Como Va plays as they sit inside the windshield-less car, Donny and Walter munching In-and-Outs. What a resolution.

(What a film!)

To Kill A Mockingbird, Dirty Dancing

2012-01-11T14:00:00.001-06:00

1. To Kill A Mockingbird, 1962, directed by Robert Mulligan.
Starring: Gregory Peck, John Megna, Frank Overton.

"Atticus Finch, a lawyer in the Depression-era South, defends a black man against an undeserved rape charge, and his kids against prejudice." (IMDB).

Hadn't ever seen this one, though I'm sure I read the book for Sharon Severson's English class in junior high; it was very good. I liked the kids' constant screwing around over by that Radley house (parents will probably appreciate the fact that even the great and honorable Atticus Finch cannot always keep his children under control), and how that business was sort of juxtaposed with the seriousness of Tom Robinson's alleged crime---also the children (Mary Badham as Scout, Phillip Alford as Jem) were not only cute but pretty decent actors, too. And how about Boo Radley?!? Robert Duvall played some pretty weird misfits before getting to Tom Hagen, Bill Kilgore, and whoever the hell he was on Lonesome Dove . . . after this role he went on to play Charlie Parkes in The Twilight Zone, episode "Miniature," where he fell in love with a doll in a dollhouse (and then just sort of hopped inside to be with her).

Anyway, I enjoyed the this, it obviously influenced many other projects down the road (and won 3 Oscars, best actor for Peck, best art direction, and best adapted screenplay). Scout bumbling around in that giant ham costume had to be my favorite part, and just the sort of implied tenderness between the brother and sister; Jem was always looking out for her, and that made me very warm and fuzzy inside.

2. Dirty Dancing, 1987, directed by Emile Ardolino.
starring: Jennifer Grey, Patrick Swayze, Jerry Orbach.

Now before all my male followers (who are significant) start unsubscribing to this blog in fear that I've lost all street credit, just listen a minute. I'm a girl; I grew up in the eighties; I love pop music. You gotta be willing to give me this one . . . like it or not (and I'll admit that I fully love it), it's an important film.

Important fact #1: whether or not women want to be saved (some do, some don't), I think we're all pretty much all right with being swept off our feet. Before Edward Cullen or Jack Dawson there was JOHNNY CASTLE. True, he was sorta cocky and a little bit rude, but still. What a guy.

Important fact #2: This cat can dance; he's not faking it. In terms of a production, having a talented dancer, one that can sweep the audience off its feet by being able to command scenes that go on for quite a while with very little editing, is a winning lottery ticket even if the story is shoddy. Don't believe me? Turn on Singing in the Rain, and cue it up to MOSES SUPPOSES (I couldn't find any embed-able clips from Dirty Dancing) and observe, 1. how easy Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor make what they're doing look (which is not easy at all) and 2. just how difficult it is to look away from the screen once they really start cutting. Here, check it out:

There are many films out there with interesting choreography or movie stars that actually take the time to learn the steps or put the work in (thanks to film editors) to make it look like a reasonable comparison to what Kelly, O'Connor, or Swayze do effortlessly, but they won't ever come close; there's nothing like a real dancer dancing.

Important fact #3: The music, some of it popular hits from the sixties ("Big Girls Don't Cry," "Do You Love Me?," "Love is Strange," "Cry to Me,") some of it contemporary stuff ("She's Like The Wind," "Overload," "Hungry Eyes," "Time of My Life,") and even some of the instrumentals from the merengue, mambo, or foxtrot scenes in the film----all of it was exciting, well-chosen, and well-matched to what was happening on screen. To say the music made the film might be pushing it, but I really think it did.

Important fact #4: Clearly I missed a lot of this back in 1987 (I was 11), but there's more going on than just dancing: Kellerman's seemed to be a resort that catered to a select group of people, namely wealthy and Jewish. Penny, (a gentile) gets knocked up by Robbie Gould who blows off the situation entirely ("some people count; some people don't'). Baby wants to help, so she procures from her unsuspecting father the money needed to get Penny an abortion, which doesn't go well. Baby is clearly portrayed as a virgin, as apparently is sister Lisa, but hops into bed with the obviously-experienced Johnny, ("have you had many women?") DUH. This is Dallas-calibre soap opera subject matter! (score!)

There are two films in this world that I very much enjoy that my husband refuses to watch, and this is one of them. His main gripe is that it's ridiculous (okay, fine) and uncomfortable (I agree). The difference between us is that I see the uncomfortable scenes in an endearing way----Johnny teaching Baby to grind a little to "Love Man," the "Wipeout" scene up and down the steps as she practices the mambo, and who could forget the infamous "Ga-GUNG," heartbeat explanation scene (that later led into "Hungry Eyes," segment)----I cannot fault it these things, they're a part of my history for Christ's sake!

For some reason, I really got a kick out of the running the hand down the arm/breast area this time around, and how Baby keeps laughing at it, can't stop, and does each subsequent "take" with an enormous smirk on her face . . . reminded me of shooting a video project back in 2000 with my brother and Leah Johnson where each time she had to peal out of somewhere in her Crown Vic and bark the tires (and we made her do it A LOT), Charlie and I would laugh so hard the camera would shake and the audio would be screwed and we'd have to do it over and over again (and we had to stop looking at each other because we just could not handle seeing each other's reactions).

FUN.

Thrill Me With Your Acumen: The Silence of the Lambs (repost)

2012-01-10T12:55:00.001-06:00

What a perfect film! The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
Directed by Jonathan Demme, based on the novel by Thomas Harris.

"A young FBI cadet must confide in an incarcerated and manipulative killer to receive his help on catching another serial killer who skins his victims." (IMDB).

This is suspense writing at its finest. Certainly it was directed well, acted well (there would not be a picture without Tony and Jody), scored well, and so on, and all that is great. But honestly, it's scary!--- the build ups are tense, intelligent, and are pretty damned terrifying; in the end, they do not disappoint. The film is filled with anticipation. When it's not showing us Clarice Starling having to fight her way through virtually every encounter by proving she can piss with the big boys, the film is leading us eerily down some hall, laying steps one at a time, and revealing just enough unpleasantness to keep us engrossed and on guard for whatever the monster (Multiple Miggs, Benjamin Raspael's head in a bottle, the carving-up of the lieutenants and subsequent manhunt, Jame Gumm's torturous basement, etc.) might be, and it's a new fright each time!

And what of Hannibal Lector? Because Clarice is made to trust him we somehow begin to trust him, too. But never forget that first image we got of him, standing there, erect, poised, and with an almost amiable grin. . . (shiver). He's smarter than any of us. And all the smelling? Seriously. There is something very intriguing about a bad guy ally; he obviously has little regard for human life to do what he did (and apparently is awfully hip to continue doing), but this connection with Clarice, her *special-ness* in winning it? Awesome.

And at the risk of sounding like a film theorist, this film is also about knowing. Who knows what, who lets who in on what they know, and whether the knowledge is real. Clarice is sent in by Jack Crawford to talk to Lector, who knows things. Jack Crawford also knows things, but he needs what Lector knows, and he knows that Clarice will "stimulate" Lector. Clarice knows things, not about the case, but about death and sacrifice, her way of knowing isn't helpful to Jack Crawford but it piques the interest of Lector. Lector wants to know about Clarice. Jack Crawford depends on getting the Lector's knowledge, but Lector figures it out and feeds him garbage instead. Then, drawing on everything she's picked up, Clarice, the seemingly rookie know-nothing, busts it all open and saves the day.

I saw this in the theater, in March of 1991 with my cousin, Heidi, in Duluth. And I was terrified. I can watch it now without fear, but the moments that get me each time are the camera noises in the funeral parlor, the anticipation of what Lector plans to do to the two cops, and the night goggles at the end, showing the hand reaching out to touch Clarice.

Oscars galore: best actor (Hopkins), actress (Foster), director (Demme), writing/adapted screenplay (Ted Tally), and best picture. Right on.

Titanic (repost).

2012-01-09T12:09:00.003-06:00

I suppose I'll be back doing another go-round with this one in April after the 3D rerelease, but since I've already written about it once, why not? My brother saw this in the theater something like twenty times; I only saw it once but true to form, bawled my Goddamned eyes out the whole time. I bawled at the trailer the other night when I was at Young Adult. . . THE TRAILER. Maybe I'm just a giant sap.

Titanic, 1997. Directed and Written by James Cameron.
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet.

"Fictional romantic tale of a rich girl and poor boy who meet on the ill-fated voyage of the 'unsinkable' ship." (IMDB).

I remember seeing the preview to this film on another rental many months before it actually was released; what stuck the most was of course one of the final scenes when the ship, vertical, actually sinks with Jack and Rose clinging to the railing. It gave me goosebumps, for probably an entire day, seeing that. And really, this is a fine example of what the film can do vs. what it does lamely: the action scenes are great, the dialogue and love story are merely marginal if not annoying. But as a production, I can't front; it's still amazing.

I don't think Kate Winslet deserved to be nominated for an Oscar for this, I think the Academy just gets aroused when Brits sink low enough to do American accents. I thought Rose's scenes were boring, mostly because I never liked her as a character. This is mostly for personal reasons, and I can see how the class differences between the characters were important to the love story, but still I found her distinctly unlikable. Old Rose, Young Rose, they both rubbed me the wrong way from the very first. "They called Titanic the ship of dreams, and it was. It really was." Then, moments later, "To everyone else it was 'the ship of dreams.' But to me it was a slave ship. . ." YEAH, BOO-HOO, ROSE. You want to jump off the back of the ship? BE MY GUEST. Be careful not to damage the beading on your thousand dollar gown on your way over, hmmm? Every scene she has before she's with Jack kind of makes me want to punch her in the face, but she gets better as the film goes on, I'll give her that.

Leo was a little clunky, far less annoying, and I liked Molly Brown. But by God Cameron can do action. The real film starts once that iceberg hits, and from there it was a tense, well-driven story. Showing how each level of the ship was affected by the water rushing in? Awesome. The scramble to make it under the water-seal doors as they came down? Awesome. The different ways the characters had to backtrack and swim through dead ends and flooded hallways? Awesome. There were two moments in this film when I cried (harder than my ongoing in-general silent tears); 1. the opening, when Horner's instrumental theme came on over the still shots of the ship and 2. when the violinist refuses to leave the deck and reels the rest of the quartet back to play that seriously emotional song (as everyone jumps off, falls, or drowns). The scene of the people desperately hanging on to the priest as he prays also gets me a little weepy, I cannot imagine what an experience like that, chaos and sure death on that wide a scale, would be like; one woman (I think holding onto a child) clung to a structure and just repeated over and over "it will be over soon. it will be over soon." My friend Julie told me when this film was first released that the very worst part for her was seeing the Irish woman telling her children a bedtime story and tucking them in bed, knowing that they would all soon be dead. I didn't have kids at the time like she did, but I do now, and the scene is probably the saddest thing that happens in the film. Heavy. It will be a pretty significant thing, I think, when the rest of my generation (who have become parents since the original release) goes to see it again in 3D.

It's not a perfect film, but it's definitely an important one. 11 Oscars, many of them well-deserved. And as the person who suggested it aptly mentioned---it's not one I can shut off if I flip to it, I always end up watching it to the end. Here's the trailer, enjoy, because it's a good one. (sniff).

Inglourious Basterds, repost.

2012-01-08T10:06:00.002-06:00

O Quentin, My Quentin: Inglourious Basterds, 2009, directed by Quentin Tarantino.

"In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as "The Basterds" are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis." (IMDB)

This is not Tarantino's finest film. Diane Kruger, blah, Eli Roth, NO (I actually wish he would have been a little calmer) and the scene in the basement pub was ages longer than it should have been, but other than that? Still very enjoyable. Brad Pitt is an excellent buffoon. I loved Melanie Laurent as Shosanna (in fact, would I be in the market for any more children down the road, which I'm not, the name would be Emmanuel (le) were it a boy or girl, after Shosanna's vengeful alter-ego). Music, killer, as always. Good use of the John Ford doorway at Lapadite's place ala John Wayne in The Searchers, ala David Carradine in Kill Bill, or any other outsider who is not *supposed* to come inside. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) however, does come inside.

Oui, Shosanna!

Was there ever anyone so slippery? Or cunning? Every scene he was in gave me goosebumps. It was hard to know how to feel about him, obviously he's evil, but he's brilliant and sneaky too. And as it turns out, not above getting caught in his own web of lies. First he loves his nickname, then he hates his nickname? "You don't know why you hate the rat, you just do," (vermin as some sort of obvious metaphor for the Jewish people, yet, this great Jew-hunter is unable to identify someone he shot at as she sits inches from him?) This fascination I had with him quickly turned to disgust once he started chawin' that damned Apfelstrudel; chewing noises are where I draw the line. Nonetheless, best supporting actor in 2009, I think it was right on the mark.

The greater theme here, as always, is DON'T FUCK WITH ME. This is why I love, love, love Quentin Tarantino. I think he must dig his mother a lot, because he writes such amazing stories and illustrates such powerful scenes of women's struggles, while not taking anything away from the men. After all the talk recently about Dragon Tattoo, rapes, murders, sociopathy, and what not, I think it's reasonable to bring up the fact that yes, these characters are by all definitions violent, vengeful, and well, not right in the head. . . HOWEVER. These are films, stories, fiction. Does anyone really want to watch a film or read a book about someone that follows all the rules? If you try to see Tarantino's films as having any firm basis in reality, you're barking up the wrong tree (clearly this particular tree is one of my personal favorites). And without turning this into too much of a girls vs. boys bunch of blathering, who was it that got the job done in the end? Was it Hans Landa? No. Aldo Rain and the Basterds? In a small way, I suppose, but not really. It was SHOSHANNA, baby, with a bang.

Jessica Lange Double Feature

2012-01-07T21:00:00.001-06:00

A Thousand Acres, 1997. Directed by Jocelyn Moorehouse.

This one is not great, nor is it one of Lange's best performances, but I put it on my list months ago after having read the book (A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley, not King Lear but I am reading that now). It's really Michelle Pfieffer's movie, she gets all the fiery monologues and I suppose interesting performances, despite it really being oldest daughter Ginny's (Lange's) story. There are some inspired scenes between the two actresses, and Jason Robards (uh, King Lear, as it were) is always pretty mean, but this was a chick flick. Which is to say, I think as a production, it could have been a lot better. Axe that voice-over, like, eliminate it completely and let the scenes tell the story. Choose a less-cheesey, less-swell-y score; this man RAPED HIS DAUGHTERS for Christ's sake; some dreary music wouldn't be out of sorts here. And either get a script doctor or replace Jennifer Jason Leigh---her dialogues, no matter who with, were bloody awful. Good settings and landscapes, though. *Also look for teenage Michelle Williams and Elizabeth Moss (Peggy from Mad Men) as well as a very young, very handsome Colin Firth.

Blue Sky, 1994. Directed by Tony Richardson.

"Hank Marshall is a tough, square-jawed, straitlaced Army engineer and nuclear science expert, assigned to help conduct weapons-testing in 1950's America. Hank has become a thorn in the side of the Army, though, for a couple of very different reasons. He is an outspoken opponent of atmospheric testing, though his superiors hold contrary views and want to squelch his concerns...and his reports. The other problem is his wife, Carly. She is voluptuous and volatile, wreaking havoc in his personal life and stirring up intrigue at each new Army base." (IMDB).

This film is amazingly difficult to get these days----no Netflix and no YouTube! I think I ordered it originally from Columbia House Video Club back in the day (on VHS) and I used to watch it all the time; Jessica Lange as Carly Marshall is seriously one of my favorite roles of all time. She's breathy, many times annoying, overly charming, obviously disturbed, and a complete Rabbit Mother, but damn. You just can't look away. Tommy Lee Jones plays husband Hank, and Powers Boothe (who is both frightening and awesome) plays the guy who just can't leave Carly alone . . . Yowza! You know my normal jingle about old people doing it (Lange was only 45 when this came out) but wow. Daughter (Amy Locane) was also great, "and don't you sass me, sister!" "I AM NOT YOUR SISTER!"

Just After Sunset

2012-01-02T18:20:00.000-06:00

I don't think this is one of King's most celebrated collections, but I really enjoyed it. I have a pretty long to-do list that seems to be growing bigger and longer by the minute so I'm not going to give you a play-by-play for each individual story, although I liked all of them just fine. They all seemed calmer, a lot more reflective, and (do I dare say) mature? Older characters, wiser but not always, who have a lot of responsibilities, many who have lost loved ones. The Cat From Hell and A Very Tight Place were definitely my two favorites (shudder, for both):

"He caught one last glimpse of that black-and-white face below the flattened ears, its eyes enormous and filled with lunatic hate. It had gotten rid of three old people and now it was going to get rid of John Halston."

"Maybe, probably, but Curtis wasn't sure that made things any better. There was still a lot of stuff down there---a lot of crap down there, floating in whatever remained of the disinfected water. Dim as the light was, there was enough to be sure of that. Then there was the matter of getting back out again. He could probably do it---if he could go one way he could almost certainly go the other----but it was all too easy to imagine how he'd look, a stinking creature being born from the ooze, not a mud-man but a shit-man."

One more thing----I have come to love the notes at the ends of King's short story collections almost more than the stories themselves, you know, the section (that he usually gives everyone permission to skip) where he provides background and inspiration about how he wrote each one. Fascinating. Now if only Damon/Carlton would release these details, life would be perfect.

Jim Caviezel, double feature

2011-12-30T23:40:00.003-06:00

I'll recommend them both---one for a general sort of audience, the other for the exceedingly strong-stomached.

nice poster!

The Count of Monte Cristo, 2002. Directed by Kevin Reynolds
starring: Jim Caviezel, Guy Pearce.

"A young man, falsely imprisoned by his jealous "friends," escapes and uses a hidden treasure to exact his revenge." (IMDB).

Per Donald's recommendation I put this on my netflix list; the disk unfortunately came to me in horrible shape and hardly played at all on our stupid playstation without the screen dividing and turning black every six minutes. But I liked it, a lot. Maybe I am a closet sociopath because revenge themes seriously thrill me, and this one was a gem. It's fun seeing The Count play his little trickery business on his buddy, but beware---if you are a fan of Guy Pearce, even a little, you'll want to stay far, far away from this film; I have never seen a grosser, more nauseating character in my life. Buck from Kill Bill (my name is Buck, I came here to *&%$) may have been a little worse, or the fat ass rapist in Dragon Tattoo, but this guy was just awful. Yuck. Dumbledore (the first, played by Richard Harris) makes an appearance, as one GetGlue friend so gleefully put it, "Dumbledore taught Jesus everything he knows!" It's a good one.

The Passion of the Christ, 2004. Directed by Mel Gibson.
starring: Jim Caviezel, Monica Bellucci.

Is it a sin that I prefer my Jim C. in the form of
Mr. Reese?

"A film detailing the final hours and crucifixion of Jesus Christ." (IMDB).

Without getting too outspoken about the religion here, I'll just let you all know that I didn't know about this stuff----stations of the cross, whippings, thrashings, beatings, flayings----NONE. Maybe Methodists just don't talk about it or I was just incredibly checked out in confirmation or church sermons when the crucifixion was brought up, but I honestly had no idea. I saw this film in the theater when it was released, pregnant. It was difficult. I'm pretty sure I quit watching, like honestly just started looking away after that scene where Mary watches him fall and has a flashback to him falling as a little boy---I just couldn't handle anymore. So I watched it all the way through this time, cried again, but could at least appreciate some of the artistic elements of the film, too. For one thing, there were some nice, stylized scenes early in the garden; the driven-mad Judas Iscariot was well done, and sort of disturbing, not to mention that ghoulish Voldemort-y Satan thing that was creeping around the joint all the time. The violence obviously is what will stick with the viewer, and I honestly think Gibson could have toned it down a few clicks. The blood, oh man, the blood---it got to be too much, and I honestly can't believe I was the only one who had to look away. Probably wasn't the easiest thing to act, either, getting the holy (haha) hell whipped out of you, day after day on the set. It's worth seeing, to be sure. Just . . . be careful.

Sick!

Roger Ebert: Life Itself

2011-12-27T13:03:00.002-06:00

I don't normally read biographies, or autobiographies anymore, mostly because I don't really care about stars' personal lives. Of the few I have read, I've usually finished thinking, "I liked this person better before I read this," or "I really didn't need to know all that." Probably not fair of me, and obviously there are exceptions (Tina Fey comes to mind) but there it is. However. This memoir of Ebert's was fantastic. I can't gush over it enough.

This isn't simply a great story because of his success as a critic or emotional triumph over his many, many health problems (though these things are definitely impressive)---this guy can write. I strongly believe that Roger Ebert could have chosen any path in journalism or publishing and absolutely taken it to the top, he's that good. The chapters in this memoir were very specific, some dealing with his mother, some obviously with his experiences as a critic (THE critic, as it were), and more than a few about his wife Chaz, but honestly, the chapter about his love for his dog was every bit as interesting and emotionally charged as the one where he recounted his struggle with salivary cancer and the three failed surgeries that followed.

On Robert Altman: "There may not have been a director who liked actors more. He had a temper, and I saw him angry with cinematographers, Teamsters, prop men, lighting guys, critics, and people making noise during a shot, but actors were his darlings and they could do no wrong. When he asked for another take, there was the implication that he enjoyed the last one so much he wanted to see the actors do it again simply for his personal pleasure."

On Eyrie Mansion in London: "Fires, I decided, were a source of heat, not merely, like central heating, its presence. There must be something deep within our memory as a species that is pleased by being able to look at what is making us warm."

On losing the ability to eat and communicate verbally: "What's sad about not eating is the experience, whether at a family reunion or at midnight by yourself in a greasy spoon under the L tracks. The loss of dining, not the loss of food. Unless I'm alone, it doesn't involve dinner if it doesn't involve talking. The food and drink I can do without easily. The jokes, gossip, laughs, arguments, and memories I miss."

The above passage is actually incomplete; he ends it with what I found to be the most emotional bit in the entire book (and I'm not going to spoil it for you, you'll have to come upon it yourself). I don't know the man, have no connection to him, really, and yes I'm being overly sentimental, but the ending to that paragraph almost made me fall in love with him a little.

Bravo.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: He said, She said.

2011-12-26T15:40:00.006-06:00

We've been thinking of doing this for a while now, or at least I have, and finally I'm doing it. I give you two reviews of Dragon Tattoo, Donald's and mine. One of us loved it, one of us hated it. Enjoy, comment, and share, if you feel like it! For more of Donald, visit his blog: Blessed Are The Geeks

The Boy Who Didn't Like This Movie (Donald said)

Before I sat down in the theater last night to watch this movie, I knew only two things about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: The title, and that for the past two years or so I haven't been able to go anywhere without seeing somebody reading one of the novels. I saw the trailer once when it first come out months ago, and thought it was pretty neat but incomprehensible, but I'm a big fan of Daniel Craig (even since before he was James Bond!) and my friend wanted to see it, so I figured I'd check it out. After all, all those millions of people who read the books and saw the original Swedish films couldn't be wrong, right?

Wrong. Turns out, this movie was horrible.

I don't mean to say The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was a bad movie, since the story was interesting and well plotted, the cast was exceptional, the cinematography was gorgeous, the score was wonderful, and the entire production undoubtedly turned out exactly as the filmmakers intended. All I'm saying is that those filmmakers intended to make a horrible film, that I'm assuming was based upon a horrible book. I haven't read the book so I can't really speak to whether or not it was as horrible as this film, but I'll never know since I'll never read it. I'll also never see this film again, and I'm hoping that after I finish this review I'll never even have to think about it again.

This was ostensibly a mystery story, although any fan of the genre will have figured out the major twists and revelations almost immediately upon learning what the actual mystery is. I won't spoil anything, but it was very predictable, albeit interesting and well done. I described it as "ostensibly a mystery story," since it took a long time for that plot to get going, spending way too much time setting the mood and personality of the titular girl with the dragon tattoo, who I will charitably refer to as an anti-hero. If I decided not to be charitable, I would simply say she was one of the most reprehensible, unlikable, and downright awful characters I've ever seen presented as a heroine in a major motion picture. This woman was a sociopath who should've been locked up in an institution, not presented as some kind of hero.

The rest of the characters didn't fair much better, since everybody seemed to be rude to everybody else, except for the people with whom they were having sex, but sometimes also both. Daniel Craig, our other hero, is shown to be a not that nice guy too, since he cheated on his wife, then goes ahead and cheats on his mistress too. Daniel Craig, at least, is a wonderful, charming actor who has the talent and ability to create a likeable, interesting character out of this mess of a story. (But I never managed to figure out why he was the only person in this movie who didn't speak in a Swedish accent, but whatever.) I have no idea what Rooney Mara was doing, but I didn't like it. She spent the entire movie looking and acting like a ghoul. She didn't act so much as just stand there sucking energy out of the room.

Then there was the the rape scene, and all that other nonsense that director David Fincher loves to put into his films. This was a film for the people who saw his earlier film Se7en and came away from it thinking, "You know, there wasn't enough rape..." I don't think I'm spoiling anything by saying this movie contains one of the most brutal and off-putting rape scenes in movie history, but I also don't care since I wish somebody had spoiled it for me. Here's the thing: I don't need to watch people getting raped and I don't want to watch people raped. This kind of crime certainly has a place in both literary and cinematic fiction, but this scene was so graphic and so disturbing, and yet served no real purpose that I could understand. I think there was a brutal rape scene just for the sake of having a rape scene, and then for the sake of having a scene where the girl basically rapes the man who raped her. None of this came into play again, nor did it ever tie in with the main story or serve any logical purpose within the context of the film. It was just horrible, and it took a film that would've just been kind of boring and bland and made me hate it.

I think maybe these rape scenes were in the film (and make no mistake: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo raped and tortured that man, making her just as villainous and disgusting as he was) were to create the illusion of a world where everybody is a sexual predator and where everybody is capable of horrible things. Or maybe director David Fincher and author Stieg Larsson are just creepy, weird perverts.

The mystery elements of the story were a lot better, at least the parts following Daniel Craig as he attempts to research and solve a murder from 40 years in the past. One the Girl shows up as his research assistant, it gets kind of dumb and loses focus, since her computer hacking and research skills border on the supernatural. This is one of those movies where there is nothing a hacker isn't able to do or find out just by typing a couple keystrokes on her macbook. She even manages to hack into a steal account and password numbers from a few dozen Swiss bank accounts, which raises the question of why she even has a job in the first place. Oh, and then the slow-paced, dialogue-driven mystery story culminates in a ridiculously over the top motorcycle chase scene.

Except that didn't actually "culminate" anything, since the film went on for another half hour or so even after the mystery was solved and any interest any audience member could've possibly had in the film vanished. Seriously, did anybody who saw this film not think it could've ended twenty minutes sooner?

But don't take my word for it, since everybody who read the books and saw the original films loved them all. I didn't think it was a bad film, I just kind of hated it. I found it incredibly disturbing, but it never earned the right or proved to me that it served any purpose at all. I didn't like the characters and I found the entire world-view presented to be so nihilistic and depressing and cold that it bored on the ridiculous. In other words, it's your typical David Fincher film.

Skol, Lisbeth: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (Anna said)

This is the most difficult review I've ever written.

I'm not a violent or rageful person, but there are situations in art and film where I think it's absolutely warranted. In school I took heat for being the only one who defended Kill Bill, volume one, protesting that The Bride's actions were justified given the way she had been wronged. This position may have been colored by the fact that I was myself five months pregnant at the time, but I still salute Tarantino (and Thurman) for the portrayal whether or not it was wrong, glorified, or sociopathic---and I think most other mothers will too, to varying degrees. This film, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, like Kill Bill, is a beautifully crafted, horribly violent masterpiece, that hides among investigative journalism, a Swedish family dynasty, Nazis, murder, and mystery, a serious tale of the most disturbing kind of violence possible. The two "R's" in this story are Rape and Retribution, words that make most people uncomfortable, but the girl in our story, Lisbeth Salander, isn't interested in your comfort (nor are director (s) David Fincher, Niels Arden Oplev, or It's a film very much worth seeing, but . . . be aware, you won't feel very good for a while afterwards.

The narrative is a little tricky (and will be exceedingly so for those who haven't read the novel or seen the previous film release)---is this the story of The Vangers, of Mikael Blomkvist's professional struggles, or of Lisbeth Salander? The audience immediately gravitates to Craig's Blomkvist, as he's commanding, deliciously handsome, and interesting, but Lisbeth is given equal screen time; whether it's her motorcycle, fingers flying over her computer keyboard, or her violent encounters, Lisbeth is just as much of a main character as Blomkvist. By focusing on Lisbeth's story, a dark, violent, withdrawn existance exemplified horrifically by one of the most disturbing rape scenes ever filmed (not to mention its later avengement), we are sickened and horrified, but in a small way adequately prepared for what eventually gets uncovered in the case of Harriet Vanger's disappearance. She's more than just a foreshadowing tool, though, because once we can look outside her issues it's clear that Lisbeth is a woman with many talents---intelligence, a photographic memory, and overall, a stubborn refusal to play the victim. This story isn't just about her, it's about what happened to her, what in fact happens to many women, and what she does about it.

Daniel Craig plays Mikael Blomkvist, a recently disgraced journalist who is recruited by Henrick Vanger, an aging Swedish entrepreneur desperate to solve the mystery of his disappeared niece. While attempting to untangle the facts (and the members of the estranged Vanger family themselves), Blomkvist uncovers in old family photographs something he believes is new evidence that may reveal insight into the girl's disappearance. At the same time Blomkvist is researching the peculiarities of the Vanger Family in northern Sweden, Lisbeth Salander (played by Rooney Mara), a pierced, tattoed, seemingly anti-social researcher becomes involved, first providing information on Blomkvist to Vanger's attorney, and later by becoming Blomkvist's assistant in solving the case (which turns out to be bigger and more ominous than anyone imagined).

Bearing in mind that Larsson's original title was "Man som hatar kvinnor" (Men Who Hate Women), the stories of the two very different women (Harriet Vanger, Lisbeth) are alike in what they suffered, but different in outcome. People don't like to hear about rape; in the film, even Blomkvist himself tries to hurry Lisbeth past graphic details of the rapes and murders they're researching, but Lisbeth would not be dissuaded; she's not letting him (or us) off the hook in knowing it just as she refuses to let her own abusers off the hook in perpetrating it, which honestly seems a bit toned down, compared to the novel. What was originally written as "I'm going to take him," became "May I kill him?" for the film, suggesting Lisbeth's subservience to Blomkvist or perhaps in general a culture which will always be controlled by men, but let's not fool ourselves---mercy for rapists is difficult (if not impossible) to come by, and Lisbeth's strength in facing Harriet's abuser as well as her own, is remarkable. Saying that as a viewer, I was out for blood is putting it mildly, but there it is. Am I sociopathic for feeling that way? I don't think so, I just really strongly believe in not raping, as I'm sure many others do, also. If the message people walk away from the film with is DON'T DO THAT, super.

Was David Fincher a fool to remake this film? Not at all. Foreign films are delightful to be sure, but many Americans just won't put in the subtitle time, which I'm sure Fincher knows. I've seen the Swedish version, enjoyed it, and thought that this project was a very close reissue, but there were wonderful "Fincher" moments----amazing opening credits, killer music, and a dark, twisted cleverness throughout that contrasted but also sort of leaked into the deceptive brightness, white snow, estate buildings, and whistling cold of the landscapes of Northern Sweden. Cinematography by Jeff Cronenweth; original music by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, a group that obviously works well together.

Keep it up, Finch.

Tales from the Crypt: Yellow

2011-12-10T15:34:00.004-06:00

New favorite episode, ya'll. When I heard what it was about (thanks, Donald), I knew I would like it, but I didn't think I'd love it. I did, a lot; so will anyone who enjoyed Paths of Glory.

Yellow. Directed by Robert Zemeckis, written by Gilbert Adler, A L Katz, Jim Thomas, and John Thomas (screenplay). Starring: Kirk Douglas, Dan Aykroyd, Eric Douglas.

So what they did, basically, was to take the most unappealing character from Paths of Glory (lieutenant Roget, the yellow drunk that gets his men either killed, or court-martialed, and then executed) and make him the main character here as the yellow (read: cowardly) son of the general, who was probably patterned after the awful Mireau from the film. Eric Douglas plays the son; Kirk Douglas plays the father/general.

I can't decide if we (the audience) are meant to have sympathy for the son, Martin, because it's hard to. No Man Left Behind? Not in this dude's case, he's pretty much all for himself, repeatedly. And each time you might start to feel a tiny bit of compassion for him, he just does something else selfish and you're back on the General's side again. Which becomes weird when you realize what he ends up having in store for his own son's punishment (after the court martial) . . . saw that coming a mile away, but it was so gloriously fitting, not only for the Tales From the Crypt Series but for the very kind of portrayal the general was given, the character/motivation taken from General Mireau from the film and the show's homage to it (and maybe to a lesser degree, the implications of the dynasty of the Douglas Family)---there was only one way to end this. Which sorry to sound insensitive, was genius.

When you think about it, these shows all sort of deal with what happens in varying situations of selfishness---gold-digging, infidelity, cowardice, etc.; I think the message really is DON'T DO THAT.
This episode was done brilliantly and not without a little light humor: e.g., Sgt Ripper (!)---Lance Henriksen, (Bishop from Alien) repeatedly seeks the lieutenant's whereabouts from unfortunately expired soldiers, saying "damn," each time. And huge, HUGE ups for that opening scene, not only the battle action but I can't help thinking there's little nod to All Quiet on the Western Front, with a yellow flower instead of a butterfly? Nice.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (clip)

One of my favorite badass scenes of all time, Colonel Dax in PATHS OF GLORY (clip)

YELLOW (clip)

Tales from the Crypt, Season 3, episodes 7-13

2011-12-07T14:41:00.002-06:00

Inching along. You'd think it'd be easy to get through a series of half-hour shows, wouldn't you?

7. The Reluctant Vampire

"A good natured vampire takes a more novel approach to satisfying his blood lust with his chosen undercover employment." (IMDB).

Solid enough; Malcolm McDowell (from A Clockwork Orange) as "Longtooth" I think was vital, he just seemed really likable and kind of sweet. I think fans of modern vampires will find this one really old and stuffy: no hot lead, no glamouring, no sparkling, nothing---but if you were into vampires before Bon Temps and The Cullens, you'll probably dig it all right. George Wendt, Sandra Dickenson, and Michael Berryman (Weird Science, Star Trek, and the Crue's SMOKING IN THE BOYS ROOM video) co-star. Pretty interesting group.

8. Easel Kill Ya

"Painter Jack Craig gains himself a wealthy patron when he sells a morbid painting. He soon finds that in order to please his patron, he must continue to paint pictures of death - and this leads him down a murderous path." (IMDB).

Kind of far-fetched, but again, a solidly entertaining episode. Tim Roth has never really done much for me before, but he was pretty hot in this as an angry, outburst-prone artist. I got a really creepy Christian Shephard vibe from the white-wearing benefactor, but it worked. The relationship with the chick didn't seem all that serious in the beginning, but I guess (after she finds out the truth behind his art) he decides he really loves her? Nice ending.

9. Undertaking Palor

"Four boys find out that the local undertaker and a pharmacist are in cahoots to murder rich locals and profit from their funerals." (IMDB).

This was fun. I mean, at first those boys seemed really annoying and just a bunch of foul-mouthed jerks, but it came together well when that awful mortician popped in. Eating pizza and guzzling Pepsi as he embalms a woman (who he had also just bashed in the face with a sledgehammer?) . . . gross. He seemed really excited and gleeful to be doing what he was doing, and honestly, a good, creepy villain makes for a great episode, so I approve 100%.

10. Mournin' Mess

"There's a killer on the loose who preys on the homeless. Dale Sweeney is a recently fired reporter. He's approached by a homeless man named Robert who is accused of committing these murders. He tells Dale that he will give him the whole story with names to help prove his innocence if Dale will go the Grateful Homeless Cemetery and hang out until sunset then meet him after. Dale gets sidetracked by Jess Gilchrist, the spokesperson for the Grateful Homeless Society. By the time he meets up with Robert, he finds he has become the latest victim of the homeless killer. Dale is on his own to uncover the identity of the killer." (IMDB).

Also fun. But like her husband (Tom Hanks), I just can't be okay with Rita Wilson in a sexual role---she just seems too . . . wholesome and good or something. Steven Weber does a great "all writers are drunks or assholes" bit; didn't see the ending coming, like, at all. John Woo would have been appropriately delighted by it, I think.

11. Split Second

sick.

"Liz is a beautiful, but loose, bar waitress who marries Steve Dixon, the rich owner of a lumber camp. It Isn't a difficult decision as he's able to offer her a fairly comfortable life. But Steve has a violent jealous streak, not liking the attention she get's from his 'salt of the earth' employees. Things begin to turn sour, particularly in the bedroom, and Liz get's bored very quickly. But when the handsome young Ted turns up at their door looking for a job, the promiscuous seductress sets her sights on relieving her boredom." (IMDB).

Grotesque and enjoyable. And by grotesque, I'm including the fashion, the sick dialogue, and that MULLET-SPORTING LOGGER HUSBAND, too (not just the grisly ending, which is very Fargo-ish).
I tried forever to figure out who the female lead was---Michelle Johnson, who was none other than the faux-French stuttering Anna from the spa in Death Becomes Her. Anyway. Severely uncomfortable for most of the duration but still worth watching. Very 90s.

12. Deadline

"Charles McKenzie is a drunk out of work reporter who would do anything for a story. He meets Vicki in a bar who makes him feel like he can turn his life around. He quits drinking and can get his old job back as long as he can stay on the wagon and prove he can still bring in a good murder story. While reading a newspaper in Niko's Grill, he hears the owner kill his wife in the back. This is just the story he needs..." (IMDB).

Meh. Kinda lamesville; not a lot of flow and ridiculous ending. Skip it, unless you're interested in quick glimpses of Marg Helgenberger's breasts.

13. Spoiled

"Janet is married to a doctor who's married to his work. She wants to live her life with passion, danger, and romance like Fuchsia Monroe, a soap opera character she watches religiously. When her television goes haywire, her friend Louise convinces her to get cable. With her husband unresponsive to her "needs," she begins a steamy affair with the cable guy." (IMDB).

Both funny and kind of annoying. Would have been better with Jim Carey as the cable guy as I don't know, a precursor to the film version. I just kept wanting Anthony LaPaglia to announce himself that way, or to just start getting all perv-y and weird immediately, but he almost seemed too polite? Come on. Polite cable guys don't bang doctor's wives on service calls. (Mein Supervisor sez there ist problem mit dein Cable?) Nice ending.

Skeleton Crew

2011-11-30T15:06:00.005-06:00

You can skip this little "intro" if you want, but before I get to the book and stories, I just feel I need to go on record with something. I love Stephen King. LOVE the guy. I don't feel like I say it enough, so I'm doing it now---I love him so much, I'd read his grocery lists. There are three reasons I love him like I do:

1. I love his work. (The Shining, Misery, and the stories I'm about to wax on below, Skeleton Crew, topping the list just slightly behind my hands-down favorite book in the world, On Writing). Oh, and speaking of writing . . .

2. I love his openness in discussing the craft of writing. Every time I read something he's written that's personal, about himself or about how he writes, I damned near fucking *die* because it's so honest and true and it just resonates inside me . . . I obviously can't write as well as he does (yet?) but I find myself agreeing with how he describes the process and how writers in general are and think. I like him as a person and have come to think of him as an excellent teacher, as well.

Yee!

3. He's a huge part of my history. Maybe even a guiding force in what I decided to do, before I even knew it. What does a elementary school girl who was into horror films at way too early an age do when she's not able to watch scary films? Read scary stories, of course. Once when I was about seven or eight and at some ridiculous card club party or something that my parents hauled me and my brother to, I was extremely bored because there were no other kids there, and started investigating the bookshelves for anything interesting. What I found was a paperback of The Shining, and what I thought was an extremely disturbing illustration (over there) on its cover. Ha! No more boredom, I paged through it trying to find scary moments and *begged* my mother to ask the friend (whose book it was) to let me bring it home. Later, I started rating the coolness of my mother's friends by how many King novels were on their bookshelves; Karen Sheehan won that honor; I think she had all of them.

I grew up on King. I grew up on horror and sci-fi stories, whether films or books didn't matter. I do what I do now (write about stories I love and try to make up my own) because of all this. I love stories so much it gives me a constant thrill knowing there are more in existence than I can ever imagine, and that a big part of my life is to dig into them. Like what Henry Bemis's life would have been like at the library, had he not broken his glasses----I am Henry Bemis with stacks and lists higher than I am tall.

LL's copy looked like this.
Super.

All right. Now that that's out of the way, here we go:

Skeleton Crew, 1985, by Stephen King.

For Scares: The Mist, The Monkey, The Raft, Gramma
For Shudders: Cain Rose Up, The Jaunt, Beachworld, Survivor Type
Clever as Hell: The Wedding Gig, Word Processor of the Gods, Uncle Otto's Truck

That covers almost all of them, which is to say the entire collection is great and fun to read. The three I'm choosing to write about in a bit more detail are (funny enough) three that I completely skipped over in my younger days, but ones I really dug this time around. A lot.

1. Mrs. Todd's Shortcut.

"David, friend of a caretaker named Homer, is an older man who is spending his later years hanging out at the local gas station in a small town. He narrates a tale about Mrs. Todd, who is obsessed with finding shortcuts. Homer admires her persistence but begins to have doubts, as there are only so many shortcuts someone can find. Mrs. Todd's habit of resetting her odometer shows remarkable evidence that something weird is going on." (Wikipedia).

This is really a women's story. I project myself, my thoughts, my experiences and philosophy onto any character that I remotely identify with--- and I loved this little "journey." Unable to carry a child, always volunteering, racing around trying to get things done, husband seemed to be gone a lot; yeah, Ophelia Todd deserved a short cut. It's funny to read a male perspective of a woman sometimes, in this case, an older guy's, but the things he remembered about Mrs. Todd were kind of sentimental and sweet---hair in a "hoss-tail," calling the car the "go-devil," how her eyes and face changed and made her look younger when she smiled or got excited, and so on. My favorite passage gave me a happy, pro-woman kind of feeling . . .

"Her eyes turned toward that little go-devil in the driveway, and narrowed. Then she smiled. 'Or to drive, Homer. A man will not see that. He thinks a goddess wants to loll on a slope somewhere on the foothills of Olympus and eat fruit, but there is no god or goddess in that. All a woman wants is what a man wants---a woman wants to drive.'"

You got that right, babe.

2. The Reaper's Image.

"A museum curator, Mr. Carlin, ushers a man named Spangler through the building, recounting the storied history of a rare Elizabethan mirror, which has been plagued by incidents of attempted destruction. Carlin tells the skeptical Spangler the image of the Grim Reaper is rumored to appear in the mirror, standing close to the viewer. Spangler scoffs, but feels unnamable horror when he looks into it . . . " (Wikipedia)

The buildup was what got me in this one, almost like a condensed version of the same kind of scary in The Blair Witch project (wait, wait, wait---OH JESUS SHE'S MAKING HIM STAND IN THE CORNER) but for some reason mirrors are all the more terrifying, aren't they (Bloody Mary)? This was the most fun of all the stories to read, partly because it scared me but also because it was so to-the-point. I liked that.

"Spangler took his hand away and looked into the glass. Everything in it seemed a little more distorted; the room's odd angles seemed to yaw crazily as if on the verge of sliding off into some unseen eternity. There was no dark spot in the mirror. It was flawless. He felt a sudden unhealthy dread rise in him and despised himself for feeling it.
'It looked like him, didn't it?' Mr. Carlin asked. His face was very pale and he was looking directly at the floor. A muscle twitched spasmodically in his neck. 'Admit it, Spangler. It looked like a hooded figure standing behind you, didn't it?'"

3. The Ballad of the Flexible Bullet.

"Henry, an magazine editor, receives an unsolicited short story from up-and-coming novelist Reg Thorpe, and considers the story to be very dark, but also a masterpiece. Through his correspondence with Thorpe, Henry learns of – and, due to his own alcoholism, eventually begins to believe in – Thorpe's various paranoid fantasies." (wikipedia).

Do all writers love reading stories about other writers? Because I sure do. So many of King's characters are writers, and I think an ongoing theme for a lot of them is being trapped or thrust into the obscure, the fantastic, or the bizarre (which happens in his novels again and again) because for writers, these things are completely business-as-usual, together with an, I don't know, heightened sensitivity or tendency to over think and over-feel normal situations as well as the strange ones. Anything is fair game for a writer. I loved this one, a lot.

"When you shoot yourself with a flexible bullet, you really don't know what the outcome is going to be."

Oh, Jesus Christ. On second thought . . .

"'Hello from Bellis. I am sorry for your problems, my friend, but would like to point out at the start that you are not the only one with problems. This is no easy job for me. I can dust your damned machine with fornus from now unto forever, but moving the KEYS is supposed to be your job. That's what God made big people FOR. So I sympathize, but that's all the sympathy you get."

"The curse of serving writers is that they are all selfish."

Yes, quite true. But you think I wouldn't want an elf-muse to FORNIT SOME FORNUS onto my typewriter? Be my guest!

Mr. Reese

2011-11-29T14:11:00.003-06:00

I don't like them, either.
But if someone is to have guns, I'd prefer it be me . . .

People are really starting to get into this show, and I can't express how much that thrills me because it's pretty much my favorite thing, ever. I mean, even if the show was terrible (which it's not), LOOK AT THIS GUY! It takes a while to kind of adjust to his slow, deadpan deliveries and the way he just sort of soft-spokenly badasses his way in and out of crazy situations, but damn. It's not exactly an Eastwood scowl, but a constant, very serious, furrowed-brow sort of intensity and I just love it.

As I probably wrote before, there is a scene in the pilot episode (which I believe is still available on CBS.com) during a little stakeout next to an elevator where a man is about to be assassinated, together with his kid. Snatch/Go music starts in, the bad guy and his hostage on one side of the elevator doors, Mr. Reese and his hostage on the other----he doesn't do anything but shake his head but it's goddamned brilliant. Of course there's a standoff and a bunch of shooting after the guy and his kid safely leave the building, but it was the headshake that totally floored me this time around (together with the Marsha-the-Mannequin old school elevator dial just like the one in The Twilight Zone "The After Hours.") The bummer of course is that there are no clips of it, none, anywhere, otherwise I'd be sitting here, holing up for hours, watching it on a loop. So this one was the next best I could find: (oh, and can you spot the Tales From the Crypt-alum cameo?)

LOST Finale: Lightsaber battle

2011-11-27T11:28:00.000-06:00

I just needed this in my life today, and my kids request it every time LOST is mentioned, which is to say, often. Enjoy.

American Horror Story

2011-11-25T23:08:00.001-06:00

I've held out as long as I can, but damn----this show is freaking AWESOME. If you like horror films and you're not watching this show, you should be. Here's why:

I'll get the mop . . .

1. It's well-acted. Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, Jessica Lange, and Denis O'Hare (RUSSEL EDGINGTON from True Blood) are great actors, but even the other secondary characters are solid.

2. It's the bastard son of a lot of other really excellent horror films, notably Psycho (the house, Bernard Hermann-esque score) and Rosemary's Baby (the pregnancy) but there are nods to many, many others. "You're gonna die in there," (Reagan from The Exorcist); creep hovering near close line looking up into window (Michael Myers in Halloween); credits and music very much reminiscent of Se7en and . . . I don't know, grotesque other stuff, maybe Alien Resurrection (experiments in jars?) or mad scientists in general. It's fun noticing these things. I half expected the crazy ass neighbor (Jessica Lange) to bring over a "chocolate mouse" for her to eat, but I suppose by then there really was no need---Rubber Man done got the job did, as it were.

3. It's scary. Well, creepy mostly (those credits!). Lots of scurrying around in the background and just strange, unexplained business that keeps popping up here and there. I've of course filed this under "things I will not watch when I am alone in the house . . . "

Don't make me kill you again . . .

4. There is an underlying mother theme going on here that I may or may not explore for Examiner, but trust me, it's there. I have a very strong suspicion that this whole story got going because the doctor's wife lost her baby; taking a baby away from a mother is the one thing you just can't do (Kill Bill).

Dr. Ben: killer body but huge jerk

Tales From The Crypt, Season 3

2011-11-16T14:34:00.003-06:00

Now *this* is what I'm talking about. These are the kinds of episodes I associate most (positively) with the show, this is what it's all about. Four of these six are honestly big favorites of mine; watching them all in a row was really fun.

1. The Trap

"An abrasive husband comes home to tell his wife that he has lost his job again. She reminds him that they are behind on their bills and suggests she get a job. He refuses. Instead, he comes up with a scheme to make a lot of money quick. Calling his coroner brother over, he tells them his plan to fake his own death and collect his half a million dollar life insurance policy." (IMDB).

This is entertaining because of the lead actor, Bruce McGill. ("I'm Lou Paloma. Blow me.") That, and the story is kind of funny, too. Michael J. Fox directs and has a cameo; I think it all comes together just fine. Also, I like Terri Garr, who played the wife.

2. Loved to Death.

Gross.

"A classic "boy wants girl, girl is unresponsive to his attentions" storyline gets the Tales from the Crypt treatment, as a young man gets a Love Potion by his mysterious landlord, in an attempt to win over the girl of his dreams. But things soon get out of hand..." (IMDB).

Clearly I'm no fan of Andrew McCarthy's, but this one is definitely in my top five, ever (adapted from The Twilight Zone's "The Chaser,"). I mean, be warned, it's extremely annoying (I don't know which is more so, the actors or the characters they're playing) but it's a good one. The twist is ridiculously fun; the original had the new Mrs. knitting some baby booties (to stop what ends up happening in this). Ha ha; be careful what you wish for . . . .

3. Carrion Death

"A sadistic serial killer has unforeseen complications when pursued by a determined motorcycle cop in a barren desert." (IMDB).

Not the strongest in the lineup, but worth watching. 1. Kyle McLaughlin, Agent Cooper in the bad boy role? Yes. 2. There are some silly bits of comedy in this crime story, dancing with and talking to corpse antics, etc. 3. The effects with the vulture are really terrible, but terrible enough for you to suffer through or someday show your kids to illustrate just how differently films and shows were made before computers did everything.

4. Abra Cadaver

"A former potential surgeon sets out to wreak revenge on the brother who's cruel practical joke prevented him from realizing his dream." (IMDB).

I always liked this one; it's just really unnerving. Tony Goldwyn had just come off the Swayze-assassinating character in Ghost---this will be cathartic for anyone who held a grudge (which is probably no one, or no one that reads this, anyway). This whole experience was like being buried alive, but above the ground, with people messing with him. Shudder.

No, no, NO! It's all WRONG!

5. Top Billing

"An unattractive and unlucky actor can't get a role because of his looks. His agent and girlfriend leave him. But he doesn't intend to give up - he wants the role of Hamlet." (IMDB).

All right, here it is, y'all. MY FAVORITE EPISODE IN THE SERIES. I don't know how many times my brother and I watched this (since we recorded it on a beta tape somewhere, probably), but it was a lot. A little background----I had no interest in reading Hamlet (or Shakespeare) until after seeing this, and for those who think television has no intrinsic value to children or teenagers, I'll have you know that I quoted Hamlet's speech by Yorick's grave for Martinson (OPIE) in whatever literature class he taught junior year---just because I felt like throwing it into the essay question and because even then, I was probably laughing hysterically about this show and Biggs----the son of a bitch gave me like five bonus points for it (moving my score up to like 104%, thanks very much). God dammit, sometimes I'm fucking brilliant.

Anyway. This is damned near perfect, this is. It's well-written, well-cast (not only Lovitz, Boxleitner, and Astin, but Sandra Bernhard, Louise Fletcher, and Kimmy Robertson are all excellent), SARCASTIC as hell---"I especially love the last commercial you did, you know, that tango over the top of a disposable DOUCHE!" And the theater bit is perfect. On the characters---my favorite is Biggs (always calling the director "your vastness" or "your bloatedness,") along with his gestures and that lisp . . . I'm giggling now just thinking about it. Obviously John Astin steals the show, but the supporting characters (and how they were written) are brilliant and I think that's what really makes it. I'm not saying anything else because building it up too much would be a mistake, but just know that this is one of my very favorite things, ever in the universe. Myles Berkowtiz was the screenwriter on this . . . BRAVO, sir, BRAVO.

6. Dead Wait

"Red Buckley is a natural red head in search of a one-of-a-kind black pearl." (IMDB).

This is another one I really like; Whoopi Goldberg, John Rys-Davies, James Remar, and yes, fricking VANITY (Nikki Sixx's heroin buddy) all star together. The way she says, "worm tracks," is actually pretty brilliant----but even though it's all really fake-looking, those worms are downright nasty. Ick, but great ending.

Everything's Eventual.

2011-11-11T20:22:00.006-06:00

I first read this years ago on my breaks when I was still doing days at Sbux; I loved them all. I picked it up again hoping to enjoy them just as much the second time and did. I just think it's an extremely well-rounded collection and I don't know, just really pleasing. These stories are different from King's novels, obviously, in that they're shorter and more direct, but they're also pretty different from other collections of shorts that he's done in the past. It's not just subject matter (though many of them are a touch more light-hearted than something like The Monkey or Survivor Type) but many of the stories are also terrifying (I'm thinking specifically of 1408, which I've written about before). I think what I like best about this collection is the overall vibe or feeling of the stories that compose it; I'd finish each one and I don't know, just grin and reflect, sometimes wanting to start all over and read them again. They made me happy.

1. Autopsy Room Four. This is one of the more light-hearted ones; easy to read, clever, drops little hints nicely about what actually happened to the "patient," and so on. If you're a fan of the season 3 Tales From The Crypt episode "Abra Cadaver," you'll probably enjoy this, too. And for what it's worth, I myself also enjoy the word "boomslang," and seek it out in my son's various snake anthologies just so I can say it aloud.

2. The Man in the Black Suit. I liked this, and found it extremely frightening. I loved the details, the dog named Candy Bill, the Gordy Lachance sort of feeling to it, the man and how he looked, fire for eyes, all of it. Something bigger that I love about this story (and others like it, and there have been a few) is the idea of these characters who see or experience something awful, live their whole lives without forgetting it, and then spill it, detail for detail---as if nothing has faded. Folk-tale-y, scary campfire stories.

"Even before he reached me, I recognized the aroma baking up from the skin under the suit---the smell of burned matches. The smell of sulfur. The man in the black suit was the Devil. He had walked out of the deep woods between Motton and Kashwakamak, and now he was standing here beside me. From the corner of one eye I could see a hand as pale as the hand of a store window dummy. The fingers were hideously long."

3. All That You Love Will Be Carried Away. Melancholy, random, and very detailed, this one is. The graffiti made me laugh; the loneliness of the character made me sad. I really loved the way he (King) chose to end it, though. Occasionally ambiguous endings annoy me but this one was perfect.

4. The Death of Jack Hamilton. Forgive me, but I didn't read this one this time around; I inadvertently skipped it because I think it reminded me of having dizzy pregnant spins in the break room at work (in 2009). Bad memories. And honestly, if I can make a polite criticism, I usually require my gangster stories to involve someone hot (Ray Liotta, De Niro, Johnny Depp, etc.) with a lively soundtrack. No offense.

5. In The Deathroom. This was enjoyable, short and direct, but in terms of endings it was a small letdown because it kind of cheated. The overall story worked for me, the descriptions of characters and the setting of the death room were properly sinister (you'd never catch me in *any* country south of the border for these specific reasons), and I was interested. At the risk of sounding ungrateful though, I wanted to know how he busted out of there.

6. The Little Sisters of Eluria. Yeah, skipped this one, too, but only because I wanted some perspective from The Dark Tower series, which I haven't read any of yet. I'll come back to it once I have and then we'll talk.

7. Everything's Eventual. I LOVED this. I just find it so clever and brilliant, the details, especially. What a setup. This story is really one of my favorites, ever.

"I fished the chalk out of my pocket and dropped down on one knee. For one second I thought the whole works had gone out of my head, and that was bad. I felt despair and sadness trying to fill me up and I thought, No, don't let it, don't let it, Dinky, fight it. Write anything, even if it's FUCK MRS. BUKOWSKI'S DOG.

But I didn't write that. I drew this shape, I think it was a sankofite, instead. Some weird shape, but the right shape, because it unlocked everything else. My head flooded with stuff. It was wonderful, but at the same time it was really scary because there was so fucking much of it . . . If someone had come along, I would have ignored him. Shit, if Mrs. Bukowski's dog had finally broken its rope, jumped the fence, and clamped down on my ass, I probably would have ignored that.

It was eventual, man. It was so fucking eventual I can't even tell you."

8. L.T.'s Theory of Pets. I giggled a lot at this one; calling the cat "Screw-Lucy" was probably my favorite. I don't actually think the violent bit at the end (wife's demise) was the best, but the story had so much heart and ridiculous silliness that won me over, I still dug it.

Tom Berenger played the writer? No way!

9. The Road Virus Heads North. I liked this one a lot; I think everyone has a framed picture in their past that they're scared of----my mother told me that once when she was little, her sister told her that the woman in the picture in their bathroom (Sylvia) was watching her. And after she said this, my mother thought the eyes really were watching, seemed to move with you across the room, etc. The thing about this story that got me were the subtle changes in the photo at first (fangs a bit longer, arm extended differently, tattoo, no tattoo? etc.) but then after he realizes that it's indeed happening, the picture just goes off the hook. Nice.

10. Lunch at the Gotham Cafe. Wow; this was another one I really loved. I don't know what I liked most about it, the crazed French dude (Guy the Demon Waiter) or King's little explanation before the story and knowing that this entire creepy story was born from such a seemingly minuscule little interaction between King and a waiter. Genius.

EEEEEEEEEEE!

"'Forgetful of me you shouldn't have been!' Guy screamed, sounding like Yoda in the Star Wars movies. 'Your hateful dog! . . . Your loud music, so disharmonious! . . . Eeeeee! . . . How you ever---'

There was a large pot on one of the front burners of the lefthand stove. I reached out for it and slapped it at him. It was over an hour before I realized how badly I'd burned my hand doing that; I had a palmful of blisters like little buns, and more blisters on my three little fingers. The pot skidded off its burner and tipped over in midair, dousing Guy from the waist down with what looked like corn, rice, and maybe two gallons of boiling water."

11. That Feeling, You Can Only Say What It Is in French. This is my normal kind of story; reminded me very much of The Twilight Zone episode, "Shadow Play," or even LOST, without the changes in characters or you know, time travel and stuff. Any time a Crown Victoria (Crown Vic!) is used in a story it thrills me. Grand Marquis or Caprices too, for that matter. Precognition might seem like a cool trick to some, but I think the story captures a really disturbing and ominous aspect to it, pairing it with being caught in an endless loop like they were . . . yee.

12. 1408. Yes, yes, YES! Another absolute winner. I'll tell you in all honesty that I first read this at work in the break room (and had to constantly glance behind me while doing so), then read it for the second time in the bath last year (and got extremely shivery and uncomfortable) and then earlier this week, had to put it off for a day because the night it came up on the rotation, Matt was out that night for a concert. I was not willing to read it alone in the house at night because I knew it would completely mess my shit up (and bad), despite having read it two other times before. This one terrifies me; I think it's the scariest of anything in King's collected works. I just find it so . . . unsettling and well done. This is so wonderfully crafted and subtle in its evil that I think it might be the most goddamned genius thing I've ever read, or close to it, anyway. In the link up above, I mentioned my favorite bits of writing, here are a few different ones:

"In the picture where the fruit had been, there was now a severed human head. Yellow-orange light now swam off the sunken cheeks, the sagging lips, the upturned, glazing eyes, the cigarette parked behind the right ear."

"The thought of Olin smirking (in his deferential New York hotel manager way) and saying I told you so didn't bother him, and the idea that Olin had somehow induced these strange perceptions and horrible fear by chemical means had entirely left his mind. It was the room. It was the goddamned room."

13. Riding The Bullet. I was fooled by this in that I assumed for sure that the old piss-smelling guy was the monster, but you know how I feel about the elderly by now, I suppose. It had a lot of heart (mother/son experiences, memories, devotion, etc.) and it's pretty clear that King felt very strongly about his own mother from many of his stories, but this one definitely stands out.

14. Luckey Quarter. I loved this, and loved that it was the last one in the book. Light, wonderfully random, and entertaining. Wasn't there a Twilight Zone with Dick York dealing with something similar?

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two, the final seven.

2011-11-08T09:46:00.002-06:00

1. Fitting Punishment.

"Mean and stingy cheapskate funeral home director Ezra Thornberry treats his deceased clients with an appalling lack of respect. Following the death of his mother, Ezra's naive teenage nephew Bobby is forced to live with the nasty old coot. Complications arise when Bobby disapproves of Ezra's unscrupulous business practices." (IMDB).

Horrible and mean. Not even worth watching or discussing.

2. Korman's Kalamity.

"Jim Korman (Anderson) is a comic book artist for the popular comic, "Tales From the Crypt." His overbearing and ruthlessly mean wife (Camp) is constantly nagging him and bothering him at work. While taking some experimental fertility pills, the side effects start to take hold. Strange things begin to happen all over the city, strange creatures start to appear... creatures that Jim has drawn." (IMDB).

I have a little tenderness toward Colleen Camp, everyone's favorite T&A French maid from Clue, so this one wasn't the worst, but her character is really awful. Comic nerds might like it just because of the subject matter, but probably not.

3. Lower Berth.

"Enoch, the two-faced man, an attraction at a sideshow, falls in love with a 2,000 year old mummy, eventually leading up to the conception of their bastard child, The Crypt Keeper." (IMDB).

Horrible and mean. Baby Crypt Keeper's "history" is kind of fun though, in an extremely creepy sort of way.

4. Mute Witness to Murder.

"Young woman Suzy looks out of the window of her apartment and witnesses a man murdering a woman in the apartment directly across from hers. Suzy is so traumatized by what she sees that she's rendered mute. Suzy is placed in the care of Dr. Trask, who alas turns out to be the man who committed the murder she witnessed." (IMDB).

Horrible and boring. Tries unsuccessfully to adapt Rear Window to some twisted, creepy updated 90s version but is really blunt and uninteresting.

5. Television Terror.

"A TV shock journalist gives an on-air tour of an eerie haunted house." (IMDB).

This was scary to me; old people are scary even without chainsaws. There was a lot of creepy lurking, and not just ghosts that want to scare, but to *harm* and like, dismember. Very 1408.

6. My Brother's Keeper.

"The reckless Eddie and the correct Frank are Siamese brothers connected by their waists. Eddie wants to convince Frank to be submitted to a surgery with 50% of chances of success, but Frank is afraid. When Frank meets Marie in a bar, he falls in love for her and decides to risk. But a secret is disclosed with fatal consequences, affecting the relationship of the brothers." (IMDB).

Semi-entertaining. But still pretty obnoxious. Nice sex scene with the pro.

7. The Secret.

"Orphan boy Theodore is adopted by the Colbys, who are an eccentric rich couple with a very dark secret." (IMDB).

This is the very first episode I ever saw; it's not great, but it will always be nostalgic. Grace Zabriskie as the vampire mother seems perfect to me now, she looked really good. You'd think that kid would start having horrible bouts of diarrhea from all that junk food, wouldn't you? Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles or Crazy Santa from "All Through the House") makes an appearance. But still not all that interesting.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two

2011-11-06T13:54:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know it's been far too long. Would you believe that I've been working on this for nearly a week? I had a post started and saved that actually OMITTED these following episodes as they were so incredibly lame, but I'm trying to stay true to my word here. So fair warning, these really won't be anything close to official "reviews," more just like a list of reasons to stay away from them . . .

1. The Sacrifice. "Hotshot insurance salesman James becomes involved with the beautiful and seductive Gloria Fleming, who's the wife of crude tycoon Sebastian Fleming. James and Gloria decide to bump Sebastian off for his considerable money. They succeed with killing Sebastian, but things go awry when the meddlesome Jerry enters the picture claiming he has photographic evidence of the murder." (IMDB).

The best thing about this was Jester (Michael Ironside) from Top Gun as the scheming ex. I really can't remember much, other than an old dude getting pitched over a balcony and then someone having videotaped it from across the way. I thought the femme fatale lead was Jennifer Beals but it was actually Kim Delaney. Meh.

2. For Cryin' Out Loud. "A greedy rock promoter tries to steal the money raised at a benefit concert when his conscience intervenes." (IMDB).

This one was sort of all right. Katey Sagal (Miss Killbasser? and what was with that French Tickler thing?) was a nice touch, but she's in it only briefly before getting stuffed into the luggage. It's just silly and fun but still kind of weak, with an extremely weak premise. I think he may have stabbed himself in the ear, though, and ear damage really makes me squirm.

3. Four Sided Triangle. "Farmer George is attracted to Mary Jo, the nubile young woman who helps out with the chores. The problem is... she's in love with a scarecrow." (IMDB)

On this one I'm just kind of speechless. Patricia Arquette is in it, without a bra (as Donald pointed out to me while we discussed it earlier) but I was just really disturbed by it and its very rape-y theme. Eddie from Major League ("Jo-Boo needs a refill") plays the icky farmer who seems to have a problem keeping his hands and dick to himself. The wife is Missy Dandrige from Pet Semetary, so casting is all right, the story is just extremely ridiculous. Nice scarecrow. And can someone explain the title to me?

4. The Ventriloquist's Dummy. "Wanting to improve his craft, a ventriloquist seeks out his long retired idol and discovers a shocking secret." (IMDB).

This one is the diamond in the rough; if you see any episodes from the second season, see this one. I won't spoil anything, because it's seriously worth being surprised by the "twist," if you can call it that, but this one works due to, 1. Don Rickles, and 2. the actions of the "twist," after it's revealed. I laughed hard, and a lot. I kind of want to watch it again, actually.

5. Judy, You're Not Yourself Today. "A housewife stressed out by her husbands reckless behavior welcomes an elderly cosmetics saleswoman in to her home. Only to discover that the old hag has another more devious motive." (IMDB).

Um, quite possibly the weakest one I've ever seen. Carole Kane and the grandmother from Happy Gilmore were decent, but the story is super bad. Super bad.

Pet Sematary

2011-10-11T18:44:00.000-06:00

One of the children has (once again) stuck loose change into the Playstation3 that we normally watch disks on; Tales From The Crypt will commence again once Matt either removes the money or just buys a simple DVD player---both of these things are extremely unlikely, to be honest, so who knows when I'll be able to do more of those . . .

In the meantime, let's talk King:
Pet Sematary, 1983, (by Stephen King)

On the back of the copy I have it says, "the most frightening book Stephen King has ever written," and granted, this was before 1408, (the short which I find the most terrifying) but I'll say that it's definitely the darkest. I didn't even consider how much more difficult this was going to be as a mother. Of sons, one of them two years old. Both blonde. Since I saw this film back when it was released, I obviously kept the image of Gage from it, and damned if it doesn't hold a very strong similarity to my littlest boy. Watching the film (and remembering it) is one thing, but Jesus, these words---reading about the thoughts and feelings that go along with everything that happens---very nearly did me in. Many of the paragraphs about Gage were read with shaking hands and tears, and I'm not celebrating it as it's clearly HORRIBLE, but inside I am (and will constantly be) marveling at just how skillfully, how honestly King writes about parenthood, denial, and fear:

"Kite flyne!" Gage cried out to his father, and Louis put his arm around Gage's shoulders and kissed the boy's cheek, in which the wind had bloomed a wild rose.
"I love you, Gage," he said---it was between the two of them, and that was all right.
And Gage, who now had less than two months to live, laughed shrilly and joyously. "Kite flyne! Kite flyne, Daddy!"

"Louis saw with something like alarm that Steve was starting to cry.
'Sure,' he said, and in his mind he saw Gage running across the lawn to the road. They were yelling at Gage to come back, but he wouldn't . . . 'That's right,' Louis agreed, and in his mind, it started to happen again, only this time he leaped two feet farther right at the end, and snagged the back of Gage's jacket, and none of this was happening."

SICK!

"This time he moved away from the gate, walking along the wrought-iron fence until it turned away from Mason Street at a neat right angle. There was a drainage ditch here, and Louis looked into it. What he saw made him shudder. There were masses of rotting flowers here, layer upon layer of them, washed down by seasons of rain and snow.
Christ.
No, not Christ. These leavings were made in propitiation of a much older God than the Christian one. People have called Him different things at different times, but Rachel's sister gave Him a perfectly good name, I think: Oz the Gweat and Tewwible, God of dead things left in the ground, God of rotting flowers in drainage ditches, God of the Mystery."

When considering this book together with the film, I think it was a well-done adaptation (which King wrote the screenplay for) and that the book is darker but the film is more terrifying. Zelda and Pascow, in particular give me the chatters. . . . !

Boy. It was a great novel but I really have to admit that I'm glad I'm done with it; it seriously took a lot out of me. Something a bit more light-hearted for next time, maybe?

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: Till Death, 3s a Crowd, The Thing From The Grave

2011-10-09T12:56:00.004-06:00

I really hate to be a negative Nancy, but these three (back-to-back) were really not great. This happens in The Twilight Zone occasionally also, where you have to suffer through a few groaners in order to get to the brilliant ones. I don't know where Top Billing rates in the chronology of this series, but damn, I hope it's soon.

Looking good, Maggie.

Till Death
Starring: D.W. Moffett

I'm just going to start writing my own synopsis-es now; IMDB's seem to be written by idiotic amateurs.
Gold Digger romances a (voodoo-practicing) native woman and breaks her heart. To get even, she cooks up a special love potion for his next victim to ensure she'll always be with him----till death AND BEYOND!

The transition from uptight "bitch on wheels" to um, well, hot-to-trot nymphomaniac was funny. As was her ridiculous falsetto-virbrato voice all the time, especially after her death. The rotting corpse just keeps getting more disgusting, which was nice, and the ending was clever (oh, so you're just going to kill yourself to escape her? I think not, say the Voodoo gal); it's entertaining. Definitely the best of the lineup of these three . . .

Three's a Crowd

Seriously, could he be any grosser?

starring: Gavan O'Herlihy, Paul Lieber, Ruth de Sosa

In an episode that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, a horrible, drunken, bitter jackass of a man suspects his innocent, leagues-superior, and secretly pregnant wife of having an affair with his friend. Turns out they were just planning an anniversary party to announce the pregnancy, to which the jealous husband drags her dead corpse, shocking everyone.

UUUGGGGGHHHHHHH. This one literally makes me want to vomit. That dude (O'Herlihy) is (sorry), the grossest, foulest, most disgusting man in existence. I mean, I think there might have been a necrophile reference also, after he killed her ("let's go work on that kid some more?") Come on. I watched this and I wanted to physically harm the guy. If Bill Sadler embodied the physical attributes of my absolute worst creepy ex, then this jerk had his jealousy act down to perfection. DIE. If I ever see this one again my head just might explode. Yuck. NO CLIPS.

The Thing From The Grave
Starring: Miguel Ferrer, Teri Hatcher, Kyle Secor

This was so ridiculous I don't even know what happened, really. Teri Hatcher plays a model with an abusive boyfriend (Ferrer) and low self-esteem, what a shocker. Secor is, surprise, the photographer that offers her refuge from the creep; boyfriend finds out, kills the photographer, but he takes his promise so seriously that he returns (from the grave) to save her again. I think there may have been a date-rape scene between Ferrer and Hatcher which is obviously upsetting, but I think I was so bored that I was doing other things by then (I was probably returning videotapes). YAWN.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: The Switch; Cutting Cards

2011-10-08T11:54:00.001-06:00

The Switch.
Starring: William Hickey, Roy Brocksmith, Kelly Preston, Rick Rossovich

"Kelly Preston is a sexy young woman looking for a handsome young stud or so she thinks." (IMDB).

Casting is the best thing about this one; Rossovich (Slider from Top Gun) donates his body and face to Hickey (Uncle Lewis from Christmas Vacation, no stogie this time) in order to impress Linda (Kelly Preston, with 1990's most enviable perm) under the guidance of Rotwang-inspired mad scientist Roy Brocksmith, a regular supporting actor in the show's first two seasons. Cameo in the intro by director, The Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other than that, this one is kinda lame. I mean, the (yet un-transplanted) faces floating in the aquarium were cool, and in my notes I wrote something about someone's maniacal laughter that obviously impressed me at the time, but damn if I can remember who did it . . .

Again with the gold-digging. Meh.

Cutting Cards
starring: Lance Henriksen, Kevin Tighe

"Reno and Sam are a pair of hardcore gamblers who don't play for fun, who challenge each other in a sample game of cards and the end result could be deadlier then they could've ever bargained for." (IMDB).

Hilarious. These guys were great. I think this was the first episode that dropped the "F" bomb, regularly; these two snarly old dudes cussing at each other? Perfect. Again the casting was nostalgic; Henriksen as Bishop from Alien, and Tighe as . . . wait for it . . . THE KIDNEY-STEALING, TOSS HIS SON OUT OF A FOUR STORY WINDOW CAUSE SAWYER'S PARENTS TO OFF THEMSELVES ANTHONY FUCKING COOPER FROM LOST!!! What a creep.

Is "Chop Poker" a common thing among gamblers with vendettas? It seemed to be used as such a casual reference that it almost seems like it might be. And the name Reno Crevis? I don't know who came up with it, but I like it; he almost seemed like a calmer, less sociopathic Bobby Peru with better orthodonture. When the time comes for the first "chop" to be made, Tighe yells out, "Careful! Only one!" Because the bragging rights for staying in town are worth that much to them? Wow. What a couple of stubborn old bastards. Ending is genius; check it out.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: Dead Right

2011-10-05T19:06:00.003-06:00

Dead Right.
Starring: Demi Moore

"Cathy wants a rich and successful life, and fast. She visits a medium who tells her she will meet a man who will inherit a lot of money, and die in a violent way soon after. When she meets grossly overweight Charlie who informs her of his rich relatives, she promptly marries him. As it turns out, the medium is always right." (IMDB).

This episode is the best example (for me) of what Tales From The Crypt is all about. It's occasionally scary but is mostly disturbing and comical. The gross factor in this one wouldn't have been quite so bad if she hadn't always been talking about how bad the big guy smelled all the time, but because she did, I was squirming in discomfort every time he came on. Charlie Marno is what Adam Sandler's Fatty McGee grew up to be, and lucky him, he got to mess around with two of the most famous breast implants in the world before getting juiced in the electric chair . . . could be worse, I suppose.

Kathy? Is that you?
Yes it is, you fat, disgusting slob!

"I know I'm a little overweight,"
"Yeah, and Hitler's a little anti semitic."

There's a lot to love in this one, though. Her flailing, frantic run down the dark street to Madame Vorna's, horrified that Charlie Marno is the "large man" they had earlier spoken about, the man she would marry. Charlie Marno's CONSTANT table-slapping made me giggle just because it was so ridiculous, and most of all---those little dance vignettes thrown in between scenes of her (unsatisfying) married life? Jazz music, hopping around to "Dancing Cheek to Cheek." Seriously, it makes me laugh now just thinking about it.

This is a good one. I detect a running theme, applicable to both genders: DON'T BE A GOLD DIGGER.

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Lover Come Hack to Me; Collection Completed

2011-10-04T18:54:00.003-06:00

Lover Come Hack to Me.
Starring: Amanda Plummer, Stephen Shellen

"Peggy wants to make sure her honeymoon turns out perfect." (IMDB).

(treading lightly) So am I going to ruffle a bunch of feathers if I say that I really like this one, too? Like, a lot. As the newlyweds come inside the deserted old house, Peggy sees a giant axe over the fireplace and asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "It's just a family portrait of someone's mother-in-law!" Isn't he just witty! Well, no, actually, he seems like an enormous dick the entire time; I can't honestly believe any new spouse, male or female, would be okay with such a shitty attitude (on a HONEYMOON!) But it's all part of the plan, isn't it!

1. When Peggy tells him she's scared (outside the house) he barks back at her, "YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED, PEGGY!" Jeez.

2. He shows no joy in carrying Peggy across the threshold, and probably wouldn't have bothered had she not brought it up.

3. Peggy tells him, "You know, I'd do anything for you," and he replies, "Oh, and I'd do anything for you, too!" and then, under his breath, "and your bank account . . ."

4. As they, you know, do it (she's a virgin) his implied "entering" is done with an unnecessarily violent thrust. Come on. She just said she was a virgin, man! I'm not saying he deserved the axe in such a way, but I don't even think Tucker Max would do something like that . . . . this new husband (Charles) is a real icky guy.

I get severely annoyed watching this one, but I love it just the same. Amanda Plummer is a very unique looking (gap-toothed) actress, and although her voice really bothers me, I found her perfect for this role. I dug the oh-so-obvious pure-white transition to sin-black (in Peggy's wardrobe) and the orgasmic clock-defiling scream was nice, but the sex scene was uncomfortable enough to almost make me FF through it . . . I mean, Jesus Christ. Enough tongue action; it's not sexy and it just reminds me horribly of Andrew McCarthy (which is to say that it's gross). Cut that shit out. Nice kill scene, though.
(no clips this time; You Tube is being difficult).

Collection Completed
Starring: M. Emmet Walsh, Audra Lindley

"Jonas has been forced into mandatory retirement. He can't relax, though, because Anita's friends are driving him crazy." (IMDB).

Yes, that's Mrs. Roper as the crazy cat lady in the bathroom (whose husband is newly retired).

I kind of remember thinking this one was boring the first time I saw it (I was in eighth grade) but ha. Now that I'm married (and have been for a long time) I saw a lot of comedy in it this time around. Bonking heads over the sink, eye glasses flung into the toilet, grabbing the same towel, scalping the tree in anger---it's slapstick and silly but it's kind of cute, too. Clearly he's annoyed by his wife anyway, without all those damned animals all over the place---I giggled a lot each time he snapped, "GOD DAMMIT, ANITA," and this is mostly because Matt often utters the same thing to me, unrelated to stray animals but me doing things like letting the kids play with Easter grass or making something with too many onions for dinner.

This clearly could have worked as a silent, the actions are all very self-explanatory, and again, the slapstick humor probably could have carried it without any dialogue at all. Funny enough, this episode is also the most realistic of the entire season . . .

Anyway. Full speed ahead with season 2, and for October reading, it's Stephen King ALL MONTH, BABY!

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Only Sin Deep

2011-10-03T18:27:00.002-06:00

Only Sin Deep
Starring: Lea Thompson

"A hooker learns that beauty is only skin deep." (IMDB).

This one is definitely in my top ten. Granted, there are huge annoyances--- the gum chewing and that horribly gruff voice Thompson uses topping the list--- but it's fricking AMANDA JONES and she's playing a prostitute! Girls will probably like this one better, if at all, because she gets to have perfectly hot-rollered hair, a million little bottles and canisters of perfume and makeup, endless amounts of jewelry, and sexy black lace underwear. And check out all those turtleneck/suit dresses at the party, and that whip-synth music! It's very early 90s nostalgic. Oh, and let's not forget, GOODWIN FROM LOST (Brett Cullen) as her would-be boyfriend, awful and flat 80s hair on him here but still pretty hot.

So now that I've done a few of these and have considered exactly what's going on in terms of storytelling, I'll say that you really, really need to be able to be along for the ride if you're going to enjoy any of them. These stories are not grounded in reality and nothing is really ever explained. And actually, you can kind of consider it a series of stories about not-smart people who make terrible decisions (the evil men do). Don't second guess any mechanics---just embrace the ridiculousness. In this case, yes, it's completely outlandish that some creepy old pawn shop owner keeps his dead wife physically beautiful by stealing other women's beauty, but the details make the show worth watching. Once the first tiny wrinkle shows up on her face we know that things are going to get ugly fast. Sylvia's beauty was stolen. The pawn shop owner's voodoo works. In the end she comes after him with a stick looking very much like Pam from True Blood experiencing a similar facial effect (and clad in the very same beekeeper outfit). Nice!

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Dig That Cat

2011-10-02T10:53:00.001-06:00

Dig That Cat, He's Real Gone
Starring: Joe Pantoliano

"A bum displays his ability to resurrect himself." (IMDB).

This isn't my favorite, but I really love Joey Pants (RALPH CIFARETTO from The Sopranos). From inside a coffin Ulric explains how he came to be there---a crazy scientist implanted a specific gland from a cat into his brain, giving him the cat's nine lives. The scientist wastes the first life by shooting Ulric to prove the experiment's success but Ulric eventually gains fame and fortune in a circus act where he is killed and then resurrected in front of a live audience. The twist comes when he miscounts the number of lives he has to spend . . . the realization comes to him as he's buried inside the coffin.

There are some really excellent bits of production in this episode that make it comical; that whiney circus woman he ends up dating, the toothless old bag who wins the lottery and gets to fry him with electricity ("YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M READY!") and Robert Wuhl as that obnoxious circus barker. Also, "Polanski wants to film my life story. All of them." They used some interesting wipes between scenes, pieces of glass shattering, and other random, explosive shapes. Funny. And Joey also had an almost Nicholson-like evil grin in one of his early scenes just as the scientist discovers him, eyebrows arched and everything; that was awesome.

But honestly my favorite part of this was The Crypt Keeper's synopsis at the end---before he does it, he gently pets a black cat with his ghoulish hands, "There, there. Nice Kitty," and then, as it jumps off the table away from him, "GET!" You can watch it below:

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: All Through The House

2011-10-01T11:51:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!

All Through The House
Starring: Mary Ellen Trainor, Larry Drake.

"A greedy woman makes the mistake of murdering her husband while an escaped mental patient dressed in a Santa Claus outfit is on the loose." (IMDB).

Killing a husband is a lot harder than you'd think: fireplace poker gets stuck in the cranium, blood stains the coffee table and carpet, he's heavy and difficult to haul, and so on. Logistics! Bad luck when a homicidal maniac in a santa suit comes around and decides to get in on the action.

This episode is pretty slapstick and ridiculous, but it's fun to watch. The way crazy-santa (Larry Drake of Doctor Giggles fame) scampers by the windows or makes little jingling noises off camera is priceless. And how about those teeth! We're talking about possibly putting Bobby Peru to shame with that mouth full of raisins! Yuck! As with The Twilight Zone, many of the episodes in this show focus on people as their own worst enemies, masterminding their own undoings (the evil men do) with a few supernatural helping hands here and there. It's actually pretty rare when there's a scary villain, a crazy, stalking killer, but this one has it and he's awful. Mary Ellen Trainor (sister Elaine from Romancing The Stone) is spot-on as the scheming (and later hysterical) MILF; all dolled up and parading around in that red nightgown, calling her lover on the phone after the deed is done ("we're free, darling, we're finally free!")---gets her come-uppance, though. Sigh. . . the ideological snares of offing a spouse.

Watch this one for the comedy.

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: The Man Who Was Death

2011-09-30T13:23:00.003-06:00

The Man Who Was Death.
Starring: Bill Sadler

"After the death penalty is abolished, an executioner continues his former job through freelancing..." (IMDB).

This is a perfect first episode; good music, clever script, nice little twist at the end, and an actor who can carry it pretty much all on his own. Bill Sadler (you'll probably remember him from Shawshank Redemption a few years after this) was perfect as execution specialist Niles Talbot. The script mentions Oklahoma as Talbot's home state, but whatever southern accent he was going with was *perfect* for this sort of narrative and kept the character from becoming too stoney and sociopathic---he's just a good old boy, after all, right? He drops the early syllables on a lot of his words and damn if it wasn't (almost) sexy? Behind becomes 'hind, between, 'tween, and so on. I almost think listening to this as a radio program would work just because of his voice! "Treat whores like queens and queens like whores and they're on their backs quicker than you can say 'Son of Sam.'" Words of wisdom, Niles, words of wisdom. I first saw this episode back in 89 when it first hit HBO; I have never forgotten that statement.

The music was perfect, too. Those eerie, circus-y themes going on during the walks (both first and last) to the electric chair were damned creepy, almost too happy and manic for what was happening on screen, but they worked. As the biker Jimmy Flood is riding up to the fence (which Niles has of course electrified) the instrumental is a good one, Link Wray's Rumble (which Tarantino used during the uncomfortable silence segment inside Jack Rabbit Slim's).

The twist at the end is predictable, but a good one---not unlike the sort of turning of tables that goes down in The Obsolete Man in The Twilight Zone's second season. And should we talk a little bit about the introduction, also? Opening theme by Danny Elfman, of course, (who else) and John Kassir does the voice of The Crypt Keeper. Excellent character, although this introduction had him a bit more reserved than later ones, hardly any cackling at all and mostly throaty giggles and a lot of hand-rubbing. I prefer my Crypt Keeper obnoxious with high-pitched womanly laughter, thank you; the self-electrocution was a nice touch, though, I'll keep that.

I love this show. Check out Niles's final project below (spoilers):

Cedar Rapids, Rubber, Geeks.

2011-09-28T13:06:00.000-06:00

Hail Mary again:

1. Cedar Rapids. I laughed a few times. It was like Napoleon Dynamite with swearing and meth, so good there, and I liked the credits against a yellow screen. Also, Reid Rothchild (John C. Reilly?) has become the token character of my husband's humor in pretty much everything he does lately. If Matt had not married me and had become some sort of traveling salesman I am convinced he would be just like Beansie.

2. Rubber. I thought this was excellent. Tire rolling around on its own, setting off wiggly telepathic head-exploding powers as it goes from place to place? Awesome. It gets a crush on a dark-haired girl in a short skirt. Audience members (on screen) are made to stay in the desert and watch this unfold with binoculars. Forcing the audience to become part of the story. Taking on Hollywood at the end. Love it. This reminds me of the kind of thing I'd have to watch for school (Bunuel, Antonioni, even Lynch) and then come home to watch again with a one-hit and a sixer of Rolling Rock. (nostalgia).

High cheekbones, slightly frosted hair, YOU MUST BE DANISH!
(actually I'm Polish).

3. What up, Geeks?: I'm not watching any new horror films for October this month, last year kind of wrecked it all for me and I'm still not all that cool with sleeping with the lights off even now, so I'm doing something different, something better. TALES FROM THE CRYPT, bitches! All of them. Give me some feedback on your favorites, okay? Also, I am recycling some of my better reviews from last year's Scariest Films Ever list for Examiner; check out my page if you're interested in reading them.

Living Dead, Person of Interest

2011-09-24T14:05:00.001-06:00

I finally got to Donald's Living Dead recommendations, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead, and I can honestly say I enjoyed them all, a lot. Since the review I did last year clearly was not up to standard (according to a few people) I suppose I need to get a little nerdier with this one. Although I am glad I found that business about people (in the original) not communicating with each other; it's important.

Night of the Living Dead, 1968. Directed by George A. Romero

"A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a farmhouse." (IMDB).

Since I have seen this before I was able to focus on things other than the actual events this time around, and in terms of production (1968) there were a lot of things I liked. I liked how it all felt like a creepy Twilight Zone, not just the black and white but the script, the actor's deliveries, and the music, too. It's one of those films that obviously is not terribly realistic by today's standards, but is successful nonetheless because it deals with bigger issues than just being stalked by zombies (although the zombie story also does fine on its own). What happens when scared human beings need to work together to solve a problem? Well, bad things, as it turns out. One is hysterical and later catatonic, one is level-headed, and another is just generally disagreeable. They form a plan, try to execute it, and are thwarted by bad luck. If this is how humanity performs in the face of a struggle, we don't need zombies to do us in, we'll doom ourselves.

Dawn of the Dead, 1978. Directed by George A. Romero.

"Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia SWAT team members, a traffic reporter, and his television-executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall." (IMDB).

So I hate to like a film only for its aesthetics, but I have to admit, pretty much anything could have happened during this and I would have liked it simply because it took place at a mall and had 70s hair. And there are other good things beside those, too of course, music, their clever little trick of altering the stairwell and walls in order to trick the zombies, car scooting around inside the mall, pitching dead zombie over the railing into the pond, etc. Let's not forget the little shopping sequence, either (did this influence Amy Heckerling in European Vacation when the Griswolds go on a shopping spree for new Italian fashions? It seemed very similar.) The makeup was obviously a little more sophisticated and the gore effects a bit more realistic, but it was more light-hearted than the original and I enjoyed that. I kind of think that this one is my favorite.

Day of the Dead, 1985. Directed by George A. Romero.

"A small group of military officers and scientists dwell in an underground bunker as the world above is overrun by zombies." (IMDB).

Wow. And this one was not at all what I was expecting. Extremely funny (and extremely hostile). Captain Rhodes? Um, just a second, psycho. What a freak! Joseph Pilato, incidentally was Dean Martin in Pulp Fiction, and I'm sure the brilliant QT, while casting for the lineup inside Jack Rabbit Slim's and having most assuredly seen this film, thought to himself, LET'S DO IT WITH CAPTAIN RHODES AS DEAN MARTIN!

The special effects in this one were actually really amazing. The brain and spine (ABSENT A SKULL) still connected to torso and limbs? Hands down my favorite thing in a horror movie, ever. I really dug the music, so stereotypically 80s synth, almost love-themey. And the whole concept of studying the zombies was a nice change. Why are they doing this? Can they be controlled? Nice work.

PERSON OF INTEREST

So this might not be the most thorough or official of reviews here, but I have to say, what I saw Thursday night was really, really excellent. I missed the first nineteen minutes as our DVR just suddenly stopped working, but regardless, once I started, the proverbial skirt was blown up. Damn.

The plot was all right, kind of felt like 24 (with The Passion's Jesus, Jim Caviezel as the new Bauer) and Michael Emerson as Ben Linus hunting bad guys, and all that is fine. But you want to know what sold me? There's a scene of a little standoff going on in the bottom floor of an apartment complex right near the elevator; one bad guy has an innocent hostage, Caviezel (who I'm just going to call THE JESUS) has his own bad guy hostage and they're both standing there with their hostages, waiting for the real target to come out of the elevator. The target has his young son with him, btw. Suspense builds as the two men with guns wait for the elevator to come down, there's a dial display at the top with numbers, one that looks strikingly like the same one used in "The After Hours" episode of The Twilight Zone (Marsha the Mannequin) which you know goddamned well JJ Abrams has seen, probably many times. During all this suspense the soundtrack is very similar to the one used in Snatch when Mickey (Brad Pitt) discovers his mother's trailer on fire or the Massive Attack song in GO, I don't know which but it's a very dark and effective accompaniment to what's happening in the scene. I'm kind of wishing now he would have used it in LOST during one of John Locke's bad ass scenes, but you know, can't have everything. The photography of shots was really excellent, too, extremely cinematic.

After reviewing the trailer below, I've decided
1. I am really quite excited for more of this show.
2. I didn't see any of the scenes with THE JESUS in his Grizzly Bear Jenkins hair and beard but seeing it just now leads me to believe that he is equal parts Jack Shephard and John Locke, so obviously my new BFF.

Check it out!

oh, and
3. Did you see that ski mask bit? Nobody fucks with THE JESUS.

News, Updates.

2011-09-12T19:53:00.002-06:00

Andy Whitfield died yesterday after a battle with non-hodgkins lymphoma. This is incredibly sad; not just because he was so remarkable in his role in the television show Spartacus or that he was very young, but because cancer is just awful. I'll take a page from my favorite little Twilight Zone freak, Anthony Fremont's book and WISH CANCER INTO THE CORNFIELD. I hate it.

Secondly, I'll be doing a little Spartacus re-watch as a tribute to Andy very soon. Before I get to it, I have 5 more films left of your recommendations, it's been extremely slow going without a computer, but it will happen. I swear I've been reading the same Henry James book of short stories in the bath for the last three months, but you know, better late than never, I guess.

Looking good, Stackhouse.

True Blood ended last night; I think it needed to because if it got any more ridiculous I may have just cancelled HBO. You know things are pretty bad when JASON STACKHOUSE has been given the best story line, but I liked what happened with the vamps for the most part and wish there would have been more of just them, being vampy. Best scene by far was when Bill and Eric, uh, reacted to Nan's little using-Sookie-as-blackmail business, I was like, FINALLY! Heads off, 1, 2, 3, and Nan staked on the ground in a slippery mess (unfortunately no jar was available). Speaking of Talbot, the resurrection of Russell Edgington? Hell YES! Get that old Kraut up and kicking again! (I can say Kraut because I am one; he called Sookie a bitch in German last season so I'm guessing he's one, too). Anyway, the more vampires, the better.

For fall television, there are actually quite a few shows on my roster---Dexter, of course, Pan Am, Person of Interest (Hello, Ben Linus), and maybe the most exciting, American Horror Story, starting in October. Have you seen the ads for it? Nice leather suit creep in the red room! Between this and Insidious (back in March) I'll never be able to sleep with the lights off, again. And if I ever get time, I need to catch up on Mad Men and start Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, and The Killing.

Damn.

Some clips #KillBill

2011-09-11T10:01:00.000-06:00

Rescue Me; Ashes

2011-09-08T18:53:00.000-06:00

So it ended, well, I think. A few thoughts:

1. Unless it's about an island that made people flash sideways for an entire season, I don't like being tricked on a wide scale, and the previews and Tommy's dream were absolute trickery. The shot of Janet sobbing against the wall wasn't even used during the episode, and this irked me a little. I mean, by all means, pull a Dallas Bobby-in-the-shower stunt, I'm all for it, but don't intentionally lead us all down the wrong path just for the sake of ratings. Some suit thought that up, I'm confident of that.

2. That being said; had the end actually been what began in the first part of the episode, I would have absolutely and horribly lost my head over it, and probably would still be crying right now. The similarities to (Tommy's experience of) 9-11 are there, although on much smaller a scale: the fire itself was due to sabotage--someone committed arson by lighting the place up; the crew could have let the building blow, saving themselves, but went further in after civilians; and if I remember correctly, Jimmy Keefe was trapped in an elevator also (during the 9-11 terrorist attacks), speaking to the rest of the crew via phone or walkie from inside the tower just as Lou spoke to Needles.

3. Those opening shots---snare, Lou limps and attempts to identify the bodies of his crew, the five covered gurneys then coffins, the funeral---some things are just awful, and thinking of how this has really happened and does happen is powerfully sobering. Lou's speech:

"These men, these five extraordinary human beings will forever live in my heart and in the memory of all who knew them, and in the public records of this great city as heroes, the bravest of the brave. I shed no tears. I cry out, not in agony. I beseech the sky not in anger, but with pride, in a voice that is strong and clear. I am a better man and we are all better people for having known them. Good night my dear friends, my five unforgettable brothers, I shall see you on the other side."

4. So as it turns out, Tommy and the guys made it out but Lou did not. The aftermath of the explosion, where Tommy discovers Lou's fate and then swiftly covers him with his own coat (too late) in an attempt to spare the rest of the crew the pain of seeing him . . . nearly too much. Lou was the one who stood in front of the door just outside the propane tanks, remember, telling Tommy and the guys, "Go ahead, we'll be fine. Trust me."

5. "If it isn't the ghosts of Christmas Stupid," (Franco to Mike and Garrity).

6. Pudding on Lou's read-only-after-I'm-gone note to Tommy. LABELED!

7. Playground scene, Tommy doesn't think Wyatt should have to share his shovel and pail since he is not a member of their Commie-Sandbox faction. God, parents are annoying sometimes. "Tiffany is a store. Madison is an avenue. And Britney, well she's a slut." (!!!)

8. Tommy does not retire; the group stays together with Franco as the new Lou. Tommy belittles another group of probies; as he gets into his truck to leave, Lou is predictably riding shotgun. Tommy's face has a lot more lines in it, he's got two more sons, and is still riding with the boys.

Fucking A. (bravo).

One last note: I was mostly annoyed by the stupid BMW commercials throughout the whole thing since I don't like their stupid asshole company, but the looks back at the various firefighters were cool. ("Promise me you won't hit me, okay? Now, who is Steve McQueen again?"---Garrity; LARGE SLAP by Lou). And speaking of my dim-witted firefighter crush, I found him an odd choice for BMW's spokesperson during all of this, although I did have a few thoughts of maybe tackling his dumb ass into the back of that 3 series convertible . . . (!)

I'm gonna miss them.

A clip

2011-09-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

American Movie.

Rescue Me Finale: Where My Boys At?

2011-09-03T21:53:00.003-06:00

Big buildings = Big problems.

EEEEEEEEE! I finally got Matt to dump everything important onto his new computer (in case I ruin this one, which is a distinct possibility since all the technical shit hates me around here) so you know the first substantial thing I'm gonna write is about Tommy and the boys, DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT SHIT GO DOWN ON WEDNESDAY?!?!?!

SPOILERS ** SPOILERS ** SPOILERS

I was clenching and tensing the entire time that fire began. Horribly. I could barely handle it because I knew it was going to be major and the show is ending and they were all just mostly happy together at Colleen and Sean's wedding . . . you knew that couldn't last. The looks of realization on Garrity and Mike's faces when they hear the walkie . . . "there's no means of egress, repeat, 62 has no means of egress . . . " Black Sean stops CPR momentarily to process what's happening, and Franco admonishes him, "get back to work, Sean, come on, asshole, WE DON'T QUIT!" Jesus, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I do find the fact that the elevator would only take Tommy (and the guys who followed him) up significant. Redemption perhaps? Christ. See you next Wednesday with a box of Kleenex. I'm not good at funerals.

I'm still alive. . . just without a computer.

2011-08-16T19:04:00.002-06:00

Thursday Treats

2011-08-04T10:38:00.002-06:00

There's a new Spartacus trailer out, so I've been told. . . my hopes are that somehow, Gannicus might find his way back to the Ludus, even if Batiatus has fallen.

In the meantime:

Lovely, Still.

2011-08-02T13:26:00.002-06:00

This was a recommendation from Matt's cousin Keith; it was a very good one.

Lovely, Still. 2008. Written and directed by Nik Fackler.
starring: Martin Landau, Ellen Burstyn.

"A holiday fable that tells the story of an elderly man discovering love for the first time." (imdb).

This is one that I just can't talk to death; it's best if you just dive in, yourself. I will say that I really liked the lighting (it happens over Christmas) and a lot of the color choices. Acting is perfect; Burstyn and Landau really nailed it. Fackler was pretty young when he did this, but it didn't feel like a young director's film. You should see this.

Sookie. Walter White. Quality.

2011-08-01T12:41:00.003-06:00

I never thought I'd start favoring television shows over film but clearly it's happening.

This is what I'm talking about . . .

True Blood: I Wish I Was The Moon.

1. Woodland sex-capades under a full moon; Sookie finally hits it. Nicely done.

2. Pam, to Eric. "You are a Viking Vampire GOD! You bow to NO ONE!"

3. Sam's brother is gross; kill that story line, now.

4. Arlene, GET RID OF THAT DOLL!

5. This isn't nice (to Hoyt), but I for one, really want Jason to hook up with Jessica. You know they both want to.

6. Andy Bellefleur getting hot over the blond witch was kind of sweet. Dude definitely needs to get laid.

7. I don't really enjoy the witches, as I've said before, but girl deserves her revenge on the vampire that raped her. Just leave Eric and Pam out of it, yeah?

Lab Notes, Hank! LAB NOTES!

Breaking Bad: Open House.

1. Everyone is in turmoil, granted, but I *hate* seeing Hank so unhappy. It's making me really sad.

2. There was a really beautiful production sequence that I loved, just after the real estate agent noticed that a spoon was missing from the framed collection on the wall (which Marie stole). It starts with a sort of low, pulsing bass melody and just kind of goes on from there as they cut to the next scene, which is Jess Pinkman looping around the go-cart track, clearly an emotional wreck. Next he goes home and finds people screwing in his living room, spray painting the walls, and generally tweaking out. He walks in, looks around, and takes a seat right on the couch. It's not happy by any stretch, but the way his pain is portrayed is genius.

This show is what little shows want to be when they grow up (around here we call it "quality.")

Gratitude. Sookie. Walter White.

2011-07-25T13:58:00.001-06:00

Okay, first off, Blogger's new "stats" option? (hell, it might not even be new, but I clicked it today, and wow!) AMAZING! I was trying like hell to find Google AdSense, which I never really did, but I checked out my stats today? I learned a TON! Outside the USA, I have the most readers from Turkey, Argentina, Germany, Portugal, and Lithuania! The majority of my readers are seeing my stuff on Windows OS, the most common search phrases were "GANNICUS" and "Dr. Melfi Gets Raped." Networked Blogs really does drive traffic over here, (so does LYNXYMAMA, so Thanks, Lisha!) teşekkür ederim, Gracias, vielen Dank, muito Obrigada, Labai achiu! I love every last one of you.

See what I mean?

More good news: True Blood last night? Hand-holding, orchestral score, "Eric, please don't go!" I don't care if he was wearing a Jason Stackhouse outfit, daaaaaaaaamn! Loved Tommy's little change-up in the van, Jason's Jessica-fantasies, and Arlene and Terry *dressing up* for the little faux-exorcism. I don't trust Debbie Pelt, not one bit. And please, please, PLEASE help my girl Pam get her face right again! Although her closing scene was great, that makeup was almost like something out of The Twilight Zone.

And Breaking Bad? I don't really remember much other than Walter sitting in the chair, practicing his draw. Scenes like that, the closeup of him, then the gun, suddenly---get me extremely excited. Twenty million for the carwash, hey, Skylar? Sounds like you won't be laundering money there anytime soon. Better call Saul.

(I love the Heisenberg Walter White. A lot).

Billy Hicks, Proper.

2011-07-24T20:07:00.000-06:00

Saint Elmo's Fire, 1985.
written and directed by Joel Schumacher.
starring: Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, Andrew McCarthy, Ally Sheedy, Emilio Estevez, Mare Winningham, Judd Nelson

"Group of friends, just out of college, struggle with adulthood. Their main problem is that they're all self-centered and obnoxious." (imdb).

This film is so ridiculous, you can't go your life without seeing it, especially if you grew up during the eighties. Nice video, right? And I suppose there is some small, valid, cultural significance of just how stereotypically eighties it is, fashion, Republican politics, money, cocaine, feminism, etc., but even these things are so caricatured and written in so poor a narrative, the dialogue from Purple Rain starts to look smart, by comparison.

This is largely a film about nothing, or nothing important, anyway. It's the story of seven immature white kids, who have silly little high school problems, only after college graduation. Jules (Demi Moore) has a dying stepmother and financial problems; Wendy (Mare Winningham) has fat thighs and a thing for Billy. Billy (Rob Lowe) is irresponsible and has a problem keeping his dick in his pants, apparently having (sexually) gone through most of the women in his inner circle, knocking up a girl named Felicia, and coining utterances such as, "this face seats five," to groups of women he meets at the bar. The rest of them (McCarthy, Nelson, Sheedy, and Estevez) are kind of dull, honestly, not to mention annoying.

The story starts with a car crash, progresses through a series of lost jobs, misguided (obsessive) affections, a stint at a homeless shelter, endless hot pink evening gowns, cocaine, and let's not forget, Andrew McCarthy's *nauseating* sex scene---ending finally with the group (minus Billy) making plans for Sunday brunch in front of their old hangout. Oh aren't we so old and boring? We worldly, 22 year old Georgetown graduates? And how the hell did Billy Hicks get into Georgetown, anyway?


My cousin Heidi had this poster, or one like it.

My favorite moments of ridiculousness:

The girl at the bar (recipient of aforementioned comment re: mustache rides by Billy) just apparently helps herself to his sax and is tooting it around the bar as the group walks by during "I like a girl who drinks." (??)

"Let's Rock" in conversational tone by Billy, during Halloween performance.

Billy's wife gets to make out with Wolfman from Top Gun, subsequent "Billy!" after the barroom brawl develops.

Leslie's (Ally Sheedy) two inch hair-length discrepancies in various scenes throughout.

Dialogue such as, "Men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em." "Let's get trashed anyways!" and the ever-popular, "Ah-booga, booga, booga, ah, ah, ah!" Seriously.

The fact that Billy wears not one, but often two fraternity jackets in almost all of his scenes.

In probably the grossest sex scene of all the eighties, (between McCarthy and Sheedy), he makes a large point of needing to get her front-closing bra off (gag) but yet she KEEPS THE PEARL NECKLACE ON THROUGHOUT. Naked but for pearl necklace in shower sex scene when she randomly knocks over the plastic shower door. (?) Come on.

Matt's comments:
I was trying to figure out Sheedy's character's name (Leslie), and I asked him, "What's that chick's name again?" "TWAT WAFFLE," he replies. This was only about 14 minutes in and he was already getting bitchy. Later, as Jules is describing how her father hates her, "Sounds like Jules has a great life ahead of her. In porn." After sitting through the whole film he finally just looks at me, angrily, and says, "Jesus Christ. How does something like that even happen?" Then stomped away. But then later came into bed in faux-excitement, informing me that the disk "had extras." Super.

Books.

2011-07-23T19:09:00.002-06:00

I didn't see anything in the theater this weekend so I get to hole up, make myself fun mixed drinks, write (this) with the pressure off and watch ST ELMO'S FIRE tonight. (Let's Rock! in conversational tone).

Dead to the World, 2004, by Charlaine Harris.

"Sookie aids vampires Eric and Pam in their struggle against a coven of witches seeking to take over control of their area, and takes care of Eric after the witches erase his memory." (wikipedia).

First off, I'm very much a fan of Ms. Harris and the Southern Vampire Series, so you kind of have to chill about what I'm about to say and let me say it without getting all pissy about it: I loved what happened in this book, but the writing unfortunately was not her best. It's a hard thing, balancing extreme and full plot lines with competent dialogue (that doesn't seem cheesy, forced, or redundant) and adequate spaces in between action parts, or resting points, if you will. I know it's hard. But because so much happened in this novel, much of it felt hurried, especially the dialogues. I needed a breaths or breaks that didn't come often enough, maybe. I loved the book, and was scrambling to read it every night, so it wasn't a huge problem, more of a nit-pick, I suppose.

The southern Sookie-colloquialisms were great, and the blunt and honest interior monologues from Sookie were right on:

"I wondered if I could get some witch to cast a truth spell on Debbie Pelt, whom I despised because she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and---oh---tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair."

"I sighed. Jason could find potential bedmates anywhere. He was going to end up with some unpleasant disease (if he hadn't already) or slapped with a paternity suit, and there was nothing I could do about it except watch it happen."

Without ruining too much for anyone else, there is another plot line that happens, romantically, that I (and probably others) have been waiting three novels for, when it finally happened . . . damn. (SKOAL, SOOKIE!) Loved the ending. LOVED it. I can't wait to see how this plays out on True Blood.

Willa Cather, 24 Stories.

I got this at Half-Price and picked it up after Roger Ebert recommended Cather over Rand (not to me, personally, but in general). The stories included are: Peter (1892), Lou, The Prophet (1892), A Tale of the White Pyramid (1892), The Elopement of Allen Poole (1893), The Clemency of the Court (1893), On the Divide (1896), A Night at Greenway Court (1896), Tommy the Unsentimental (1896), The Burgler's Christmas (1896), Nanette: An Aside (1897), Eric Hermannson's Soul (1900), The Sentimentality of William Tavener (1900), A Singer's Romance (1900), The Professor's Commencement (1902), The Treasure of Far Island (1902), The Namesake (1907), The Profile (1907), The Willing Muse (1907), Eleanore's House (1907), On the Gulls' Road (1908), The Enchanted Bluff (1909), The Joy of Nelly Deane (1911), Behind the Singer Tower (1912), and The Bohemian Girl (1912).

They're all extremely good, and right up my alley, but the last one (The Bohemian Girl) got me. Big time.

"Nils looked sideways at her. He had never seen her head droop before. Resignation was the last thing he would have expected of her. "In your case, there wasn't something else?"
"Something else?"
"I mean, you didn't do it to spite somebody? Somebody who didn't come back?"
Clara drew herself up. "Oh, I never thought you'd come back. Not after I stopped writing to you, at least. That was all over long before I married Olaf."
"It never occurred to you, then, that the meanest you could do to me was to marry Olaf?"

and later, "What's become of your Bohemian blood? I used to think you had courage enough for anything. Where's your nerve---what are you waiting for?"
Clara drew back her head, and he saw the slumberous fire in her eyes. "For you to say one thing, Nils Ericson."
"I never say that thing to any woman, Clara Vavrika." He leaned back, lifted her gently from the ground, and whispered through his teeth, "But I'll never, never let you go, not to any man on Earth but me! Do you understand me?"

Skillfully written sentimentality and denied love. My favorites.

Bagdad Cafe

2011-07-22T19:44:00.000-06:00

This is a recommendation from my friend, Veneta, and somehow just what I needed last night. You know, sometimes I get lost (ha ha) in all the blood, meth, booze, and dysfunctional Irish firemen I watch so much of; this was just a nice, more tender change of pace (although there was profanity and some nudity).

Bagdad Cafe, 1987.
Written/directed by Percy Adlon.
starring: Marianne Sagebrecht, CCH Pounder, Jack Palance.

"A lonely German woman ends up in the most desolated motel on earth and decides to make it brighter." (IMDB).

This is unlike anything else I've ever written about on here (with the exception of maybe some random Fellini), but extremely worth watching. First off, I have always been a fan of CCH Pounder, mostly supporting roles (Sliver, Psycho 4, ER), but I like her. She has just always got this commanding authority about her, and she had that in this, too, but mostly just ran around her cafe yelling at people. German actress Marianne Sagebrecht was amazing as the mild mannered tourist, offset brilliantly by Jack Palance's eccentric artist character; they were all really fun to watch.

The film itself is sort of unique in that it's a foreign (German) production with a mostly American cast. You can't really escape that you're watching a foreign production---shots, reactions, interludes, and that tiny bit of nudity (of an older, heavier actress)---these things just don't really happen in American films, even in 1987, and that's why I felt justified in that earlier (obscure) Fellini reference. The film has fun with itself while still being an emotional story about two very different women.

Two moments I loved: "This is not coffee, it's brown water!" after the (American) coffee maker gets delivered. For someone who can't drink coffee out of anything but a French press, it was perfect. And you know I loved that little bald baby being passed around in his footy jammies; that'll be me, the old German broad in cafes, begging mothers to let me hold their babies someday, too.

Thanks, V.

True Blood: I'm Alive and On Fire

2011-07-19T19:42:00.000-06:00

Horrible, HORRIBLE news! ((spoilers))

Now those witches have messed with BOTH my favorite people on True Blood and I'm starting to get pissy. Eric empty-headed and Pam with a rotting face? Unforgivable. I just happen to be reading "Dead To The World" right now, simultaneously, and I just need to know that things will be right again . . . those witches are gross. Go away.

And how about little Mikey, NOT YOUR BABY on the wall with the red marker? (redrum?) Nice. Oh, and congratulations on screwing your great-great-great-great (great-great) granddaughter, Bill.

Serial Mom, Tommy Gavin, Walter White.

2011-07-18T12:47:00.000-06:00

This one is from my brother, who didn't actually recommend it officially, but I'm taking the liberty in suggesting one that he would have recommended, had he had the time.

Serial Mom, 1992, written and directed by John Waters.
starring: Kathleen Turner, Sam Waterston, Ricki Lake.

"A sweet mother takes a little too much at heart for the defense of her family." (imdb).

As far as John Waters films go, this one is pretty tame. It's silly and inappropriate, but it's actually really funny. To be a suburban housewife, cooking, recycling, watching birds, and prank-calling the bitch who stole your spot at the grocery store? "Is this the cocksucker residence? 402 Pussy Way? Let me get the zip code right, 2-1-2-FUCK YOU?" Poor Dotty Hinkel. The reaction outside the window of The Sturbers' eating was classic, as was the little "REWIND!" coda (pictured left) that came after bashing old Emma Lou to death with the leg of lamb. And uh, nice energetic sex scene between Turner and Waterston, despite their being old (!) it was still hilarious.

Rescue Me premiere: Janet's pregnant; Colleen is off the wagon (what's new). Damian is not able to walk or talk after the incident with the table saw in last season's finale; through all that has happened, Sheila and Janet have decided to bury the hatchet and are now close friends (?) Black Sean proposes to Colleen. Oh, and Tommy is convinced that Damian blames him for the accident (imagining Damian coming at him with a knife). Happy times as always. (What a downer).

Breaking Bad premiere: Damn. These meth-capitalists can be so touchy! Gayle was just a chemist who wanted to make the best product possible; Walter's bag of 99% pure blue just really messed that up for him, didn't it? Too bad. And would it be insensitive of me to add that all I could focus on for the last ten minutes of the episode was Pinkman's Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's? WITH ORANGE SODA? Damn, that looked good. Too bad about Hank, he seems very unhappy. (What a downer).

I did not get to see True Blood last night as my Harry Potter review took ages longer than I had planned, and I ended up missing the 10pm encore performance. Which sucks; I need more Eric Northman in my life.

Alexander wins the best vampire poll, by the way. Man, people got moody about that! I guess I'll have to stick to one program from now on? (rrrrrrrrr).

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

2011-07-16T13:42:00.001-06:00

This was a recommendation from my father-in-law; he brought it to me while we were all on vacation a few weeks ago. I was skeptical at first as I didn't really know how I felt about mashup novels but I trusted his judgement . . . and I loved it. LOVED it! It might be in my top five books, ever. I highly, highly recommend it. It's smart, it's well-paced and well-structured, and the ending (of course) had me bawling. A very clever story.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, 2010, by Seth Grahame-Smith.

"The epistolary-style book is written as a biography of Abraham Lincoln, based on "secret diaries" kept by the 16th President and given to the author by a vampire named Henry Sturges." (wikipedia).

"But for all of Henry's lessons, nothing was more valuable than the time we spent trying to kill each other. At first I had been astonished by his speed and strength---convinced there was no way I would ever be its equal. Over time, however, I noticed that it took him longer and longer to subdue me. I even found myself landing the occasional strike. Soon it was not uncommon for me to best him three times out of ten."

"Have you ever wondered why? Why a vampire takes such an interest in ridding the earth of his own kind? Why he sends a man to kill in his stead? Or have you simply done his bidding blindly---the unquestioning, undyingly loyal servant?"

"I serve no man but myself," said Abe.

The barkeep laughed. "Avowed as only an American could." (!!!)

Clever and fun. You should check it out. Or if you're someone who prefers true history, buy the Zinn, because honestly, it's just as horrifying.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, repost.

2011-07-15T10:18:00.000-06:00

The Book:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J. K. Rowling, 2007.

I read it shortly after its release, at my mother's house in Olivia while we waited for what ended up being close to three full months as our house was put back together after a roofer ruined it. But that's another post. I am sad to say that on my first reading, I missed probably 40% of what really happened simply because I wanted to get to the end, to finish it, because I was that jazzed about knowing how it would all wrap up, so I speed-read and finished it in probably a day or two. I was emotional, more then than I am now as I was five months preggo and concerned about the house and all that was going on, but I'm pretty sure that I cried from about the twenty-third chapter on to the end. As I felt with LOST, Rowling could have pretty much wrote any damned thing, no matter how ridiculous, and I would have swallowed it happily. It's sad when things you like come to an end, granted, we all need closure and catharsis, but it's still a bittersweet thing. There are cheesy things about this book, this specific, final installment of the series, but I swallowed them happily.

My very, very favorite passage:

"He closed his eyes and turned the stone over in his hand three times. . . Lily's smile was widest of all. She pushed her long hair back as she drew close to him, and her green eyes, so like his, searched his face hungrily, as though she would never be able to look at him enough.

'You've been so brave.'

He could not speak. His eyes feasted on her, and he thought that he would like to stand and look at her forever, and that would be enough."

I can't read it without crying.

And while I appreciate the recurring, snappy little bits of prose that have been part of the series from the beginning ("Ron agreed with the sole proviso that their next move took them within reach of a bacon sandwich," or "Snape flapped after the girls, looking ludicrously bat-like, like his older self.") it's the story of these people that really captured me.

The Film:

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, part one, 2010, directed by David Yates.

This, more than any other, was a film for fans of the book. If you didn't like the book, it's almost certain that you will not like this film. The thing I liked most about this film was its subtlety. If you know what's happened and you know what's coming, then you will see this film as a brilliant Valentine to the book, and all of the books previous. If you don't know the names of the characters (and if this bothers you), then you have no business being in the theater. Each time a supporting character, old or new, is introduced, the writers have done their homework; there is just enough background given or somehow otherwise referenced that we still feel as though we're in the loop.

Ollivander: Wandmaker. Owns Ollivander's Wand Shop. You should remember him. Also referenced by the woman being interrogated by Dolores Umbridge at the Ministry; "I didn't steal my wand, I got it at Ollivander's!"

Elphias Dodge: Friend of Dumbledore's. Wrote obituary in Daily Profit shown in one of Harry's first scenes before he leaves Privet Drive (camera lingers on name and photo in an obvious way). Speaks with Harry at Fleur and Bill's wedding. Mentions Aberforth Dumbledore, who will become important in next film.

Xenophilius Lovegood: should need no explaining at all.

Bathilda Bagshot: Writer of History of Magic. Referenced by Elphias Dodge and Aunt Muriel at Fleur and Bill's wedding.

This is a great film because they refuse to spoon-feed you. There is subtlety (certain scenes just end and fade to black as though they were little vignettes), there is comedy (Mad Eye Moody in the flight of the 7 Harrys and dialogue, George Weasley's silent expression changes as he watches Harry and Ginny make out), and dammit, there IS action.

The opening sequence at Malfoy's ends with Nagini eating the Muggle Studies professor; it's played down, but the snake is interesting. Flight of the 7 Harrys; it's tense and exciting. The revelation of Kreacher's secret and his subsequent capture of Mundungus Fletcher; this is not exactly Michael Bay-style jets flying over a salute-level action, but it's interesting, and driving! The Ministry of Magic. Encountering Nagini at Godric's Hollow. The Destruction of the Horcrux. Bellatrix at Malfoy Manor. The Animated re-telling of the story of the three brothers. Voldemort has the Elder Wand.

I hadn't ever been to a film on opening night before; experiencing this was amazing. There was applause (mostly for DOBBY!), there were tense, hushed speculations being reasoned (whose patronus led Harry to the sword?) and there were sniffs and tears (I'm thinking mine were probably the loudest). I had a great time. And while I honestly *cannot wait* for the second installment of the film, I have a very strong suspicion that I will walk into the theater, sit down, open my bag of skittles, and promptly start bawling because I will not want it to end. I made bets with myself during the night of LOST'S finale as to just how long I'd be able to keep it together-----I watched the special before the actual feature, you know, the ones where fans wrote in their LOST goodbyes and they edited them onto scenes from the show? Yeah, complete water works.

To be continued in July. . .

Dallas Trailer!!

2011-07-13T07:14:00.004-06:00

Sookie: You Smell Like Dinner

2011-07-11T12:40:00.001-06:00

Oh Hell no . . .

(spoilers)
UGH! What a horribly frustrating episode! My girl Pam has got it all figured out, doesn't she? BILL KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN! I mean, I am completely fine with Eric prancing around shirtless---for a while--- but this nice-guy sap has got to go! I am waiting for two things to happen: Pam to pull some crazy-vamp kick-ass "oh no you didn't just mess with my maker" business on those nasty witches, and for Sookie, having learned to identify more with Eric's softer side, to *finally* get up on that (after he's back to his naughty bad real self, of course).

also: After Sookie told Pam (last week) that she wasn't interested in being Eric's puppet, Pam said, "Shame for you; he pulls good string." Was Pam speaking from an observational standpoint, or have they, you know, done it? Is that allowed between maker and progeny? Because, damn.

And poor Jason; things just went from bad to worse. One of my favorite utterances on the show has become Andy Bellefleur's constant growling, "STACKHOUSE!" on the phone or in person, or sometimes, "GOD DAMMIT, STACKHOUSE!" It's like the best name ever to be yelled with a southern accent----Staackhaaawse!

Speaking of southern accents: don't forget to switch TNT on tonight during The Closer or Rizzoli and Isles to catch the DALLAS trailer! And for a bit more on True Blood, week to week (with better photographs and video) check out my Bites from Bon Temps updates on Examiner.

Vamp Literature.

2011-07-10T14:49:00.000-06:00

Club Dead, 2003, by Charlaine Harris

"Sookie's boyfriend Bill disappears while working on a secret project, and Sookie heads out to Jackson, Mississippi in hopes of retrieving him alive. In this quest, she enlists the aid of a werewolf, Alcide Herveaux, and of vampire Eric." (wikipedia)

Dug it, dug it lots. But man, Bill is just kind of a dick in this one, isn't he? First the secretive nature with all the vampire database business and then the tomfoolery with Lorena (which was much more intense and detailed in the show) not to mention the (I suppose you could call it) date rape inside the trunk of the Lincoln? Jeez. Eric, Eric, ERIC! Who's a little sneaky, too, but at least less dickish and more helpful to Sookie in times of need (refinished driveway).

"When I woke, it was dark again, and Bill was in bed with me. Oh, thank God! Relief swept over me. Now all would be well. I felt his cool body behind me, and I rolled over, half asleep, and put my arms around him. He eased up my long nylon gown, and his hand stroked my leg. I put my head against his silent chest and nuzzled him. His arms tightened around me, he pressed firmly against me, and I sighed with joy, inserting a hand between us to unfasten his pants. Everything was back to normal.

Except he smelled different.

My eyes flew open, and I pushed back against rock hard shoulders. I let out a little squeak of horror.

"It's me," said a familiar voice.

"Eric! What are you doing here?"

I think I was reading this passage in the bath and then whooped out a huge, "YES!" There were a few more of those moments throughout; reading about Eric is nearly as much fun as actually watching him . . . . Next up, Dead to the World.

Salem's Lot, 1975, by Stephen King.

"Ben Mears returns to the town where he lived as a boy between the ages of 9 through 13 (Jerusalem's Lot, or 'Salem's Lot for short) in Maine, New England, to discover that the residents are all becoming vampires." (wikipedia).

I think this might be my very favorite vampire book, although I Am Legend would be an extremely close second. I read this years ago and only remember something ominous about a stairway; it was a very unpleasant surprise reading it again, but evil and clever, too. I have to say that reading about King's writer characters is probably my favorite thing in the world because you know damned well he's filling them with literal business from his own life; I think he basically writes about himself and then adds scary shit just for filler, honestly. And I'm not saying it doesn't work, because it does----but that it's somehow more meaningful, maybe.

"He wrote quickly, without thinking: For Susan Norton, the prettiest girl in the park. Warm regards, Ben Mears. He added the date below his signature in slashed notation.

"Now you'll have to steal it," he said, handing it back. "Air Dance is out of print, alas." She hesitated, and this time her glance at his eyes was a little longer. "It's an awfully good book."
"Thanks. When I take it down and look at it, I wonder how it ever got published."

or "All writers like to talk about their books. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night I make up a Playboy interview about me. Waste of time. They only do authors if their books are big on campus."

or "Kind of touchy, ain't you? For a man who means his books to be read?"
"When it's gone through three drafts, editorial correction, galley-proof corrections, final set and print, I'll personally see that you get four copies. Right now that comes under the heading of private papers."

But the scary stuff is pretty significant, too, and described in a way that I found to be pretty damned brilliant:

" . . . he found himself reflecting ---not for the first time--- on the peculiarity of adults. They took laxatives, liquor, or sleeping pills to drive away their terrors so that sleep would come, and their terrors were so tame and domestic: the job, the money, what the teacher will think if I can't get Jennie nicer clothes, does my wife still love me, who are my friends. They were pallid compared to the fears every child lies cheek and jowls with in his dark bed, with no one to confess to in hope of perfect understanding but another child. There is no group therapy or psychiatry or community social services for the child who must cope with the thing under the bed or in the cellar every night, the thing which leers and capers and threatens just beyond the point where vision will reach. The same lonely battle must be fought night after night and the only cure is the eventual ossification of the imaginary facilities, and this is called adulthood."

But not necessarily everyone's adulthood. I'm well into my thirties and have slept with the light on halfway since the film list last October and full on since seeing Insidious and am not planning to turn it off anytime in the next ten years. . . .

Recommendations: Matt's and Mine

2011-07-08T13:20:00.001-06:00

I'm waiting for Netflix to function again in order to start your recommendations. In the meantime, I'll give you some from my own house. I'm sorry to say that I don't share Matt's enthusiasm with this first one, like, at all, but he recommends it all the same:

What. A. Disaster.

Miami Vice, 2006, directed by Michael Mann.
written by Michael Mann
starring: Colin Farrel, Jamie Foxx, Li Gong.

"Based on the 1980's TV action/drama, this update focuses on vice detectives Crockett and Tubbs as their respective personal and professional lives become dangerously intertwined." (IMDB).

Sometimes people just have irrational aversions to things; my mother, for instance, had a quite unnatural hate for Phil Collins that I never figured out. I have unnatural hate for this film, and it's hard to hate something, a lot, that your spouse really enjoys, but I really can't tolerate this film at all. I tried my damndest last night but as always, I cut out about halfway through.

This is why:

1. I found it confusing. I'm no simpleton when it comes to narratives, I'm a fucking writer for Christ's sake, but the first hour of this film was completely sideways with itself. Are they feds, or are they VICE? Is Trudy an agent or is she just the chick that Rico is banging? Rico and Sonny (Foxx and Farrel) are deputized and instantly put undercover as drug traffickers just because of some CI's random involvement with meth-dealing skinheads? And what the hell is with all those photographs of the CI with them? Is that common practice? As in, here's our *confidential informant,* as shown here in these photographs *with federal agents* jeez, we hope none of the bad guys have moles in our agency who might, you know, SEE THIS? Stupes. I don't know, maybe 24 has ruined me and all suspension of disbelief, but come on. Tighten that shit up!

2. I found the casting of secondary characters to be downright awful. I can't really express this without seeming a little . . . insensitive, and so be it, but that woman (Isabella) should have been of Latina or African descent. Having the character be Asian was just extremely jarring and was pretty much the world's biggest speed bump, although Lucy Liu probably would have been loads better. I just didn't really believe her, at all. Her facial expressions looked like she was in pain for many of the scenes, her hair was a rat's nest, her lips were noticeably dry, and her fingernails looked like mine used to when my violin professor made me chop them down to the fricking quick. I'm not trying to be superficial because she was beautiful, but if you're trying to convince me that this chick has any sort of power or is sexually magnetic, you missed the boat completely. Likewise, Sonny just taking off in the boat with her after seeing her twice? Dumb. "I know what I'm doing," he says to Rico. No, you don't, and no, the screenwriter didn't either because not banging THE BOSS'S WIFE is probably the first thing they teach in fake drug trafficking school. Even Tony Montana waited until Frank was dead to officially move in on Elvira.

And speaking of the boss; I kind of get that they were trying for a Castro-ish sort of look on that guy, but honestly he looked more Afghani than anything. Boo.

3. I felt like Jamie Foxx was marginalized (for what I saw, anyway). Here I thought initially that he and Farrel were going to be sharing the screen, and for a while they did, but when it became more about Sonny and Isabella things really started to tank. Foxx is an Oscar winner, yo, utilize that shit! Calypso
(Naomie Harris) was good, too, but given kind of a too-small role, considering.

There are two parts I liked: the comedy in Rico's faux-premature ejaculation scene with Trudy, and the three-chord synth and orchestral instrumental (reminiscent of the original television show) during the first drug run in the planes out of Columbia. Other than that . . . goo.

I've been there, Walter.

So here's mine:

The Money Pit, 1986, directed by Richard Benjamin.
written by: David Giler
starring: Tom Hanks, Shelley Long

"A young couple struggles to repair a hopelessly dilapidated house." (IMDB).

If you were alive in the eighties, chances are you saw this already, but if you haven't, you really should check this out. You probably are getting by now that I'm a stupid sucker for 80s comedy, (Porky's, Bachelor Party, St. Elmo's Fire, etc.) but Tom Hanks is a very gifted comedic performer--- this is one of his all-time best as far as I'm concerned. It's not raunchy and there isn't much cursing, but (yes, this is uncharacteristic of me) it's good, clean fun. You can watch it with your Grandmother and you'll both probably laugh. Also, if you've ever had to do major home improvements, this film (though a bit dated) will ring with many, many horrible truisms ("Two weeks? You can rebuild all this in two weeks?" or "Ahhh! Home Crap Home!")

Walter Fielding (Hanks) gets all the best lines and reactions:

"I'd help you with that, but someone stepped on all my fingers."
"Well, thanks to that fall, we're now the same height."
"Are you guys testing missiles here, or what?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, we are."
"And now I have to go down to his office tomorrow morning and kiss his ass . . . "
"We have weak trees."
"YOU WHORE!"

And he doesn't lack in the physical scenes, either. The hammering thumb on steps scene (reaction). The getting stuck in the floor scene (wave). The interaction with the carpenter (Joe Mantagna). The adventurous ride down the scaffold while coated in plaster, and my personal favorite, the entire Benny scene . . . enjoy!

The Sopranos, season 6, part two, proper.

2011-07-01T19:36:00.000-06:00

I finally finished. And I will again stand by my previous statements; this is honestly one of the best shows created. Anthony, it hasn't always been easy, but I'm really going to miss you.

So how do things wind down in the second half of season six?

Melfi can't handle the peer pressure from her shrink friends and dumps Tony as a patient just after his son's suicide attempt. As he's leaving, he says to her, "I think what you're doing, as a doctor, is immoral," then stuffs a steak recipe he had earlier stolen back into one of her expensive magazines in the waiting room and storms out. It made me not like her.

AJ is a wreck, attempts suicide and is hospitalized. "He was our happy little boy," Carmela weeps as they all watch his psychiatrist wheel him away. I loathe AJ but this was difficult and emotional for me to watch.

Phil Leotardo takes out Bobby Bacala and severely wounds Silvio; Paulie is basically the last man standing in Tony's crew. The FBI aspect (watching this time around) was important, as Agent Harris, currently working terrorism but still with a soft spot for Tony, is instrumental in Tony's overall survival and triumph over Phil. The decline of Agent Harris was a little sad, considering he really seemed to enjoy his work back when he was planting bugging devices and hanging around Satriales just like one of the guys. First came the parasite from Pakistan then the longer, more stressful hours, and strain on his wife---the poor guy looked just beaten down by the end. One of my *very* favorite scenes in the entire show (linked to another from season 2 that shows Harris's obvious fondness for Tony) was when, after hearing of Phil Leotardo's death, Harris jumps up from his desk shouting, "YES! We're gonna WIN THIS THING!" I don't think there's any two ways about what he says---he means TONY, not the FBI. How sweet.

The Finale: There are so many things about this that are brilliant, not the least being its ambiguity, but I was one of the three people who really loved the way the show ended, and loved it even more after watching it a second time.

If Tony Lives, the family reoccupies their places around a table, eating, just as they did at the finale of the first season. AJ said just before Meadow arrived that they should remember the good times, as Tony did previously at Vesuvio. Meadow chooses a law career, focusing on civil rights of minority groups; AJ had formerly been interested in a military or intelligence career in order to fight terrorism but then accepts Tony's help in launching into film (via Little Carmine). The bigger theme here ("Made in America") is that both Tony's children, while at first insistent in putting as much space between themselves and Tony and Tony's livelihood as possible, completely turn around and choose careers that intertwine them deeper to him, Meadow, criminal law and AJ, the family business as Carmine Lupertazzi's development assistant. They grew up with advantages, had opportunities to leave, and both chose to stay. Tony Soprano is at root, a family man and life goes on.

If Tony Dies, the link to gangster cinema is firm, and precursors from The Godfather (beginning all the way back with that orange cat) abound. As there is no one left on Phil's crew, the hit had to be authorized by Carmine or another New York family, and that particular bit isn't all too clear or motivated, but there are a few things that can't really be ignored. The lingering white hoodlum-type gets up and goes to the bathroom just as Michael Corleone went into the bathroom before hitting the table of cops in the restaurant. Why? Just before the very end, two African American men, a little gangster-ish, come wandering in and will presumably walk directly past Tony's table. Why? These are conscious choices made by David Chase, and significant ones, just as the fact that Meadow can't quite get her car parked in a spot twenty-five feet wide on the street is significant. There was happiness at the table, and as far as conversations with AJ had gone in the past, the mood was downright chipper. Journey plays on the juke "Don't Stop Believin;" and they all enjoy the best onion rings in New Jersey. If Tony and the rest of the family gets clipped in the diner, they die happy or having at least experienced good times, as Tony had hoped for his family. In ending that way, Tony Soprano becomes at root, The Godfather and his story, epic.

My own personal thoughts on the finale are that I don't care which is true, only that Tony picked that song and that it started when Carmela walked in. (Matt sang this to me when I was 18, waiting tables at the Sheep Shedde).

True Blood, season 4 premiere.

2011-06-27T14:09:00.001-06:00

Are you *kidding* me?

I tried extremely hard to clean something up for an Examiner article, but I really just don't have any room in a professional sort of capacity to "formally" discuss it; mostly I was trying as hard as I could not to squeal each time Eric came on. . . because DAMN. Yes, I realize I sound like I'm in high school.

Oh, and SPOILERS, a lot.

1. The fairies aren't what they seem. Sookie goes toward the light, gets transported to "the fairy plane," runs into the bellboy from Dallas and her long-gone Granddaddy (who is none other than Bill Lumberg from Office Space) and then doesn't eat the glow-fruit that all the other fairies are handing out to the civilian-clothed humans, which turns out to be a wise choice. They're harvesting human fairies and bringing them to the other side because the (extremely crazy-looking) Fairy Queen ain't having any more exposure; apparently the mass consumption of Sookie's blood (Russell, Bill, Eric) was enough to threaten the existence of the entire fairy race, and that's that. There were some nice effects during Sookie's escape, crazy explosions, harsh and gritty filmmaking, and a collapsing cliff----pretty intense!

2. Rip Van Stackhouse. What seemed like only minutes was actually just over a year in Sookie's life; when she returns she finds her house sold, her brother deputized (proper), and *AAACK,* Eric having to take orders from Bill? Something fishy is going on around here . . .

Looking good, Your Majesty

3. Enemies/Problems. Arlene's baby pulls the heads off Barbie dolls. Hoyt and Jessica's honeymoon is over. There's some crazy-ass witch in town (Fiona Shaw) that has her eye on Lafayette. Tara is an ultimate fighter. Jason makes little headway with the meth-orphans and then gets flung into a deep freeze. Sam seems angry and bitter. Andy Bellefleur is addicted to V.

4. Bill vs. Eric. I was caught completely off guard by what went down between these two; not until the "your majesty" business did I halfway know what end was up. Two shots I loved: Sookie's arrival back to Earth followed by the simultaneous awakening of both vampires in their coffins, and the juxtaposition of Eric's reassurance-inspiring "We're just like You!" video with Bill's ridiculous campaign speech with the elderly and the mayor. There always seemed to be something slippery about Bill, granted, but (call me crazy) there was something wonderfully sinister and alluring about him, now that he's King. Or maybe it was just the shorter hair, I don't know, but Bill was in fine form last night.

5. Final scene: Holeeeeeey shit. I almost don't know what to say. Maybe this: if you are taking your clothes off, and someone reacts the way Eric does to Sookie . . . wow. Just wow. And GOD, yes on the gratuitous bicep flex when he holds up the house key. . . (!)